Last night was really special.

I got home after a full, fulfilling day will Lou, collaborating on our book plus project, thought I was really late, but realised I had time for a bath before dinner.

So I worked out what I was going to wear. Gorgeous black dress with a vintage feel, patterned black stockings, 40s high heel shoes, and pink crystal necklace, while the bath was running, threw everything on the bed to distinguish from the wardrobe contents placed strategically on the floor, all the while chatting seamlessly with my beautiful friend Jade.

We then took the conversation to the bathroom, me slipping into the welcoming, embracing water of the bath, Jade plonking on the toilet seat, Max giving me 'come hither' looks like he's a frat boy in the body of a two and a half year old and my dog Indi, trying to hump Max. And I just love the ease that we all have around each other, chatting away, laughing, with the knowing of years passed...

Suddenly it was ten past six so I leapt out of the bath, slopped on some moisturiser, got dressed, and then Jade and I did our makeup, sharing the mirror and compliments like teenagers, and raced out the door.

We drove to Lou's house, after stopping by the bottle shop (wine shop, off license..) for strawberry champagne, roses for Lou, and funny comments by the guy behind the counter. This little stop unwittingly set the tone for the evening and when we arrived the house was beautiful.

Lou gave me, for my birthday present, a dinner party, that she organised, cooked, and did the most beautiful table setting for. She was running late, still in casual clothes from a day in the study, and looking dishevelled and lovely. And she was as calm as her manic self would allow. It all worked with a magic ease as Liz and Deb were late too, arriving in perfect time.

We milled around the lounge room and kitchen, helping cook, cut, and eat, Lou got dressed, and Liz and Deb arrived. We sat down, drank, ate, laughed, shared and I felt so priveleged to partake in a beautiful home cooked meal with my closest friends.

It was also a recognition, and appreciation of how much I've grown in the last ten years. And the friends that have seen me through that. And also the grattitude for these friends that have stood by me, listened to me, stuck up for me and laughed with me for all the years I've been up here. It was nice to acknowledge them all for that.

Especially the roles that they have played in the last couple of weeks. I really don't know how I would've gotten by without them. Their kind console, their wisdom, their gentle pushes.

It gave this mountains village a feeling of, a knowing of, 'home', that I have rarely felt in my life.

We ate baked salmon, warm vegetable salad, apple and rhubarb crumble for desert. I don't know how Lou, who has only known me for a few months knew that these were my favourite foods. And also a cake. A birthday just isn't a birthday unless there is a cake. After a full, minute packed day, it was all just perfect.

And we all drank to a gentler, slower, steadier year, and then laughed that anything of the sort is unlikely for the likes of me!!

I have always found it scary to have people around me that know me so well, but now I realise that that's the meaning of friendship. And it is an honour, one that I hold so close to my heart, to call these spectacular women my friends.

I have got the mother of all headaches.

I hardly ever get headaches, so it takes me ages to take something for them. What's with that? This generation will quite happily take a wide range of substances, without thinking twice, in the hope of mood alteration, but won't drink cuppa soup if it's got MSG in it.

Or take a headache tablet when required.

So now, eight hours later, I've just taken a tablet but feel so sick I need to go to sleep.

I've been researching on a friend's computer all day, so I think that's what's done it. It's amazing what studying does to me. Makes me crave unusual foods and gets me totally out of my rhythm.

My diet today has consisted almost exclusively of corn thins. Firstly with tuna and fetta. Then with avocado and crazy mixed up salt. Then organic butter and honey. And finally, organic butter and vegemite, to try to put an end to the honey cravings. Such a versatile cracker.

A friend has asked me to collaborate on a project that basically involves me writing a book and a series of articles for publication. And boy, do I have a lot of swatting to do!!! My head literally aches. Ha ha.

But I am so excited. Finally, a project that pretty much puts all of my skills to use. I am hoping to have one article written by the end of the week. Yikes. I'd better buy some more headache tablets!!

INTEGRITY

I've been thinking a lot lately about integrity and how it is defined. I think most people would agree that to live your life with integrity is to do what you think is right. Especially when that's the harder road to take.

But what does this mean exactly and where does maturity and commitment come into play, as surely these are factors? And how does individuals' commitment to integrity influence the society that we live in?

I believe, for myself, that when my mind, body and soul, or head and heart consciousness are aligned, I can't help but have integrity. And in some ways, that defines intuition for me as well. If I'm not aligned, then something is wrong, and I can 'feel' it. Because I also believe that your heart and mind want to be in alignment. Just like babies have perfect posture, unless they have experienced some kind of trauma.

This is also influence by the physical and external realms. If I'm not eating the right foods, exercising regularly, drinking enough water, or living in a space conducive to heart/mind alignment, then my mind, body and spirit suffer. The effects are obvious to me on a micro scale- I feel stressed, I don't sleep well, I don't feel right in my body, I might get headaches, or get sick etc...So then, how does this inform my experience on a macro level?

I will probably be snappy at members of my family, my employees will see me as moody and temperamental, I get frustrated in traffic, or in a queue at the supermarket. As these behaviours are generally not what I identify with being, and I see the negative effect it has on people around me, I don't feel as though I am acting with integrity.

This affects the macro integrity of the society that I live in, as we all participate in this sphere. Does that mean that wellbeing and integrity are intertwined. One influencing the other?

In a weird turn of events, this man on know in Melbourne, is trying to court me. Nothing could be further from my mind, than engaging in this. He is an old business associate who I spoke to, maybe a week ago for the first time in months, and yesterday he rang to invite me to Tasmania for a week-end. Now, the reason he rang me a week ago was to apologise for his behaviour months ago, because basically he shafted me and wanted to make ammends, and then all of a sudden he's asking me away for a week-end. Oh, and did I mention that he has just left his wife because he found out she's been cheating on him for the last six months? When I spoke to him tonight to politely decline his invitation of whisking me away to another state for the week-end, he made it very clear to me what his intentions were. And when I tried to tell him that I was still in love with another man, and dealing with a very sudden, and still very raw break up, he told me that he would wait. And how about dinner next week in Sydney for my birthday? I find this totally bizarre. I told him not to wait for me. I have made it clear that I am not interested and am still trying to find a way to trust him again after his abhorrent treatment of a situation, and he is flirting with me? Is this similar to me trying to bargain with Sam's rationale for breaking up with me? And I can't help wondering if I found this man devastatingly handsome and he lived closer than 1000kms away, would my reaction would be any different?

Hrm...maybe tomorrow. Yep, tomorrow will be my first day without tears. Or rather, today is my last day of a fabulous existence tainted by tears. Enough!
Huh, Friday the 13th and I didn't even realise...quite an auspicious day for me actually...the end of something old, and the birth of something exciting, shiny and new...

Enough! It's time to let go. It's time to move away, move on. Today is enough.

Thanks guys, and for those of you who unwittingly made me laugh or smile, well double thanks. I thought today was going to be my first day without tears, but it wasn't. Although, the volume etc has decreased. I'm getting bored with my misery and now just want it to go away. Even my dog doesn't bother trying to comfort me anymore, and that's saying something. He's a very neurotic, vocal, emotional dog and usually if I'm crying he will find me. Even kilometres away. Have been doing heaps of exercise which is really helping (hard to cry and swim at the same time)! And have also come to some great realisations about my Modus Operandi in relationships/friendships in general. My needs, my responsibilites etc...it has all been very enlightening, although pretty heart breaking at times too. So maybe tomorrow will be the day...

I was walking in my little town and felt compelled to go into the bookshop. I had a book to pick up for Jade that she had ordered in, but I still had the feeling that I had to go in there. I had all day in fact. I had been thinking that I was ready for something challenging as I find that during such intense sadness it's also a great opportunity for growth. I got the book for Jade and then walked straight to the back of the bookshop and this book literally leapt out at me: 'Motherless Mothers' by Hope Edelman - definitely the book I needed to read. A few years after my Mum died I read her first book, 'Motherless Daughter' and it helped me a lot. I didn't even know that she had written other books as it hadn't occured to me to look. It's still so confronting for me, and there is still so much purposely unexplored grief, but I felt like I needed to read this book. Without even a glance at the back cover, or my usual flick through the pages, I found myself at the counter paying for both books. I have only read a couple of chapters but there are some key things in there that I really identify with, the biggest one being about the kind of relationship I need to be in. That Motherless Mothers/Daughters have a whole set of needs they need met to other women, and it's just made a whole lot of sense to me, and shed some light on my break up with Sam. For me, specifically I realise that I need someone who can understand where my accomplishments (as pitfinder so generously points out in my previous post) come from. That it's not out of a natural brilliance, or talent, but out of a deep seated feeling that I need to figure it all out, because no-one else is around to help me, or show me the way. That although 'on paper' it looks as though I've got it all sorted, I actually need a lot of reassurance and to know that the person I love thinks I'm worthy. That's a really big one for me. I've felt worthless for most of my life, and that's where the impetus to 'know' and 'succeed' etc.. comes from. Not out of an amazing space of self esteem, although I'm sure from the outside that's what it looks like. I think that because I haven't realised that, and I'm not altogether that comfortable with needing that, I have chosen men who need a lot of reassurance but then I feel sidelined in the relationship. But these men have also seemed very independent, because I need to feel that they will be OK without me, as like most women whose mothers have died young, I feel that I will too. It's all felt so complex, these emotions inside of me, like a tangled ball of string, but reading it, plain and simple in black and white, makes it all seem...well, plain and simple and black and white. It's almost a relief. I've felt so alone with my grief as my family won't ever acknowledge my Mum and the impact her death has had on me. Instead they openly criticise her in front of me, making me feel so confused about how I feel. Questioning my memories of her. Re-inforcing my sense of isolation. Consequently, my eyes are still stinging!!! I seem to fall asleep crying and wake up pretty much doing the same. But I can also feel it shifting. I also wanted to say a big thank you to Jade for being such a beautiful friend to me. Not judging me, not trying to fix me, hugging me in her strong reassuring arms, and allowing me to just be.

I find this process quite fascinating. Sometimes it feels as though I am watching my self from the outside. Memoires of a break up. I still feel incredibly sad. The kind of sadness that permeates the taste of food, the flowers bursting forth with impossible colours, my dreams. A sadness that can seem to just come out of nowhere. That makes my heart ache and my eyes sting. But I can also see the funnyside of my tragicness. And am starting to feel hope again. The hope or belief that I will have what I thought I was going to have with him one day. And that I will feel grateful for the space that he left in my life that allowed for someone else to fill it. Baby steps. Thank God for Luka, to get me out of bed in the morning, albeit slowly. Otherwise I suspect there would have been a whole lot more wallowing. And as for family, well I've found one here, in this virtual space. I feel much more up front and honest than I do in my normal life and I really appreciate the support you have all given me. Thanks. I wish I had more time to visit you all more regularly and leave insightful comments. I suppose I will have more time to do that now.

I just feel so so sad. I can't understand how two weeks ago we where in Canada, meeting the family and all that and just last week-end we were doing the couple thing with other couples. It just seems so abrubt. It makes the whole thing seem like a charade. Dishonest. That he never even really wanted to be there, with me. And I felt that this was the guy I could talk to about anything. That we would be able to get over anything. He says that loving me doesn't change the situation. But I don't believe that's what love is. Surely, if you love someone, you can get through anything. Or at least want to try. I feel so unsure of myself. How could I have believed that this meant anything? I just want a family. People around me who I love, who love me, to laugh with, play with, grow with. It feels like I'll never find that.

...and then there were two...and a dog....my lovely little family :-)

So we had a beautiful weekend with two other couples and my girl in one of the most spectacular houses in one of the most geographically dazzling locations in the world. We all cooked, ate, drank, walked, watched movies, went on the boat down the mouth of the river, slept and did it all over again for three days. Just awesome. In the car on the way home we were musing about how strange it is to be in such close proximity with two other couples, especially one of the couples, who are incredibly antagonistic towards each other. And they don't even realise, I think. We both think that he is absolutely gorgeous. Soft, handsome, funny, smart. And she is a total nightmare. Whingy, whiny, patronising, insecure. Strangely, I really want to like this woman, but at the same time, can't stand being around her most of the time. As they inadvertantly provided entertaining fodder for our drive home, I told him a few times, in different ways, that the contrast between them and us was so great, it seems obvious that we are doing OK. As usual, I didn't get any such reassurance from him in return. As we got closer to home I asked him if he wanted to keep this long week-end going by staying at my house and chilling out with me, since neither of us have much work on at the moment. And he seemed to agree that it would be nice to spend the night together. But as we got to just five minutes away, he stated that he would just go home and sleep in his own bed. I was so disappointed. Especially as he had seemed to have just changed his mind and I didn't say much for the short remainder of the trip. When we stopped at his place I jumped out and helped unload the car and he asked me if anything was wrong. So I explained that I was disappointed and he told me that he had had a rough week end with my girl. That she had been mean to him, when she had been warm with all the other people there. And now I don't know what to do, if anything. I just kind of left, unsure of how to express how I was feeling. Firstly, and most importantly, I think, is that I really feel I am doing the best I know how in this situation. It seemed like an unfair bombshell to drop on me just as I was leaving. But I don't know how to handle this situation. I totally understand that he was feeling hurt by her and he probably felt rejected by me walking away. But I also feel rejected. That this situation is just too hard. When I don't actually believe that it is particularly complex. I really don't. I know the temptation is to dismiss any issues that arise as being endemic with the 'problem' of dating a single parent, but aren't both of us caring, thoughtful individuals? I don't understand why he finds it so hard to talk to me about where he is at, and what's going on for him. And I wish I didn't feel so rejected, or that it's all just 'too hard'. I can't imagine it's always easy being with a single parent, or their child, but is it really that hard? Right now I feel like just walking away, mother and daughter into the sunset.