Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I went to see my friend (who stood me up for a long awaited dinner tonight) after spending another hour at the dentists. Last filling for a while I hope. The good thing is all the mercury is being replaced by white - much nicer. And there she was with her back turned to me, moving with the focus and unconscious expertise of a concert pianist. Making the perfect kebabs for some customer who couldn't possibly imagine the thought and skill that went into making their tasty snack. I moved over to the rotating meat thing, which smelled disgusting but was so warm, and as I chatted away I just watched her, amazed. I don't think I've ever seen her so centred, focused, dynamic. It was beautiful. She is so beautiful. I think they should put the wooden barrier that separates her magnificence from the public into the pizza oven so the punters can watch her. They could sell tickets. If only she could see herself. Her concentrated face, her surprised super quick smile, that warms my heart. Such a special girl this one!!! As you all already know. My beautiful friend Jade.

Monday, July 24, 2006

I am bone weary. That old feeling I thought I had left behind of trying to do everything and not really knowing anything. Feels a bit different this time. Good people around me supporting me, helping me, people I respect. Nice. My company, yes officially a company today, limited liability and all that, is booming. Growing like an out of control weed, that I hope will one day have pretty flowers. Tendrils out everywhere reaching into new territory. Excited and terrified in equal parts. Holding my breath as my home becomes overrun by workers..still not sure how many I need. 8? 12? 15? Breathe..The beautiful thing is I feel so alive. So organised. Dare I say accomplished, proud. And downright lucky. Seemingly mismatched jigsaw pieces sliding into lock with each other. Click. Picture revealed.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Well, I'm back!! And what post would be complete without a bit of Suze Angst? Well, not to disappoint...I've been seeing this guy...yes always about a guy!! and there is a whole lot of history that will probably come out at some point, but it's not psychoboy, if that's what you're thinking, which let's face it would be fair, it's Sam, just regular Sam. Who makes me feel anything other than regular except when it comes to girly angst, of which I have more than my fair share, I'm sure. I've been seeing him for a while and we have so much fun together. We talk so easily and we play and have fun together. We just kind of match somehow and it feels really good. Feels so good, in fact, that I don't feel as though I need to know the outcome, like I normally do, and I can't predict it, which is really unusual. He talks to his Mum about me, who lives in Canada, and talks to her about Luka and how incredible she is, and amazing I am as a Mum. He talks really highly of me to his friends and wants me to meet them all. When he talks about the things he wants to do, it's always as 'we' and when I talk about things I want to do, he says, 'let's go'. The way he holds nothing short of inspiring. I 'me' with him. Honoured and beautiful and not judged, but challenged. So why do I need him to tell me, really obviously, where he is at with me/us? Why can't I just appreciate the obviousness of it all? What don't I trust? And I guess, if I put it like that, it has to do with our history. How we began, and then began again. That must be it, because without those events, I probably wouldn't have these questions. The need to be so clear. Cool. Thanks Guys. You've been a great help, as always!
Alrighty, I know you'll want details. Well to fill you in: we met, we started going out, everything was peachy, but I felt that he was always holding back. So after a month I confronted him with it, or he did with me, I'm not sure. Either way, it came up, and he said that if it was just me, there wouldn't be any hesitation, but as he is so territorial, damned Taureans, he couldn't handle the idea of Luka's Dad always being in 'his' family, cos that's the reality, sort of. I will need to communicate with him for a while yet. So we broke up. I cried for a week, like I've never cried over a boy, and then over one drunken/drugged dinner - sort of, I stayed at his house and woke up at 4 in the morning with his hands down my pants?!! Even though we had discussed specifically not going there, because I was too in love with him to be bonk buddies..but we did, for a couple of weeks, and then I said I couldn't because I wanted more, and then he said he wanted more too, and there we are, now, together. So, all in all, it's been a couple of months and I feel more a 'couple' with him than I have with anyone for a really long time. Really long, like maybe over ten years. And it just feels so right to me. So why isn't that enough? Why do I need him to tell me how he feels, when he tells me everyday in so many ways? What's with that? Is it a girl thing, or is it just our dogged history?

Looking forward to hearing from you all, old friends and new. Nice to be back!!