Thursday, July 20, 2006

Well, I'm back!! And what post would be complete without a bit of Suze Angst? Well, not to disappoint...I've been seeing this guy...yes always about a guy!! and there is a whole lot of history that will probably come out at some point, but it's not psychoboy, if that's what you're thinking, which let's face it would be fair, it's Sam, just regular Sam. Who makes me feel anything other than regular except when it comes to girly angst, of which I have more than my fair share, I'm sure. I've been seeing him for a while and we have so much fun together. We talk so easily and we play and have fun together. We just kind of match somehow and it feels really good. Feels so good, in fact, that I don't feel as though I need to know the outcome, like I normally do, and I can't predict it, which is really unusual. He talks to his Mum about me, who lives in Canada, and talks to her about Luka and how incredible she is, and amazing I am as a Mum. He talks really highly of me to his friends and wants me to meet them all. When he talks about the things he wants to do, it's always as 'we' and when I talk about things I want to do, he says, 'let's go'. The way he holds nothing short of inspiring. I 'me' with him. Honoured and beautiful and not judged, but challenged. So why do I need him to tell me, really obviously, where he is at with me/us? Why can't I just appreciate the obviousness of it all? What don't I trust? And I guess, if I put it like that, it has to do with our history. How we began, and then began again. That must be it, because without those events, I probably wouldn't have these questions. The need to be so clear. Cool. Thanks Guys. You've been a great help, as always!
Alrighty, I know you'll want details. Well to fill you in: we met, we started going out, everything was peachy, but I felt that he was always holding back. So after a month I confronted him with it, or he did with me, I'm not sure. Either way, it came up, and he said that if it was just me, there wouldn't be any hesitation, but as he is so territorial, damned Taureans, he couldn't handle the idea of Luka's Dad always being in 'his' family, cos that's the reality, sort of. I will need to communicate with him for a while yet. So we broke up. I cried for a week, like I've never cried over a boy, and then over one drunken/drugged dinner - sort of, I stayed at his house and woke up at 4 in the morning with his hands down my pants?!! Even though we had discussed specifically not going there, because I was too in love with him to be bonk buddies..but we did, for a couple of weeks, and then I said I couldn't because I wanted more, and then he said he wanted more too, and there we are, now, together. So, all in all, it's been a couple of months and I feel more a 'couple' with him than I have with anyone for a really long time. Really long, like maybe over ten years. And it just feels so right to me. So why isn't that enough? Why do I need him to tell me how he feels, when he tells me everyday in so many ways? What's with that? Is it a girl thing, or is it just our dogged history?

Looking forward to hearing from you all, old friends and new. Nice to be back!!


Blogger Jade said...

The Hooooo-Heeeee!!! Yay! Im so happy that you've found that lovely boy, you deserve all the love in the world. And Im glad you're back too, Ive missed your comments, well not all of them, but definately 99.9% of them ;-)

10:20 PM  
Blogger suze said...

yay, my first comment! the narcissism returns!! Been thinking about you my beautiful girl. Not sure how to be there for you, not sure what you need.sorry I've been so busy. I've got so much to tell you. Big kisses and hugs!!

10:33 PM  
Blogger earthkissed said...

Hey Suze, glad you're back! I think it's a girly thing, I think it's the one's that are going right, that seem like the most wonderful relationship that we get the most paranoid about and need the most reassurance about.

5:29 PM  
Blogger pitfinder said...

Girls, sheesh. If you don't tell them you love them often enough, they're paranoid. If you tell them too often, or too early, their paranoid.

Don't know if this'll help, or just give new stuff to fret over, but here's some stuff about us guys.

If it's broken, we need to fix it.
If it's not broken, don't mess with it, it's liable to catch on fire.

If we don't like somebody, we aren't to subtle about it.
If we like you, we'll be right there for what ever dirty, nasty, bloody, messy stuff you need - until you stick a hat pin in our leg. Or beat us over the head with the 'I don't want you around, I don't need you for this' stick.

It might feel like bungee jumping blindfolded, but take the leap and try trusting him some. If you let that fear thing keep peeking out from behind the curtain, he might get the idea that you don't trust him do hold up his end.

We may not be good at a lot of stuff, but we hold up our end. If we don't, we deserve to get dumped.

Oh, and

6:54 PM  
Blogger christmas_cats said...

sometimes it helps to be deprived of a thing for a while to realize its value

1:36 AM  
Blogger sevensoft said...

hola suze! good to see your return on blogger.

11:41 AM  

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