Friday, March 14, 2008

Ok Ok!

Alrighty, here I am. I am so tired and so busy. Last night I had 9 hours sleep and am even more tired than when I just get 5, which seems to be the norm these days.

I usually work until 6 or so, pick up my daughter from school, play with her and do house stuff, and then when she's asleep I work until 12 or 1, and then she wakes me up at around 6am and it starts all over again.

It's a crazy way to live.

And I just feel like I'm going backwards. I love living in this city. It has a beautiful energy and in just a few short months, have made some really lovely friends. But financially, it's an expensive place to be, and work wise, I wonder what I'm doing.

I just wish I had lots of money and could just hang out with Luka, and play. Have time to enjoy this place. Instead I feel like I'm slowly drowning.

And I long to love again. But I just don't trust it. All my friends, old and new, that are in that mystery land of `Coupledom`, seem to be looking at travel brochures desiring to visit different, exotic lands. And I just don't think I can go through heart ache again. It nearly kills me every time, even when it's fairly insignificant.

I can't imagine trusting someone again. Have I just not met the right kind of men? Or are all men not to be trusted with love? And intimacy? And my fragile heart?

What is emotional maturity anyway?


I'm used to feeling successful, and satisfied with my work, and my life, but I'm not really sure what the point of anything is at the moment.


Blogger pitfinder said...

"Or are all men not to be trusted with love?"

Of course not. Love is a delicate, fragile thing, and that's not what we're good at. You're in charge of love. Point us towards the nasty spiders and the things lurking under the house, feed us, and tell us that we matter, and we'll do the best we can.
We don't show love the same way you do, we show it by crawling under the house, or by dealing with the wounded pet that isn't going to make it and then making up a story so it won't hurt so much.

We don't do that kind of stuff for strangers.

Let yourself rest, knowing in the darkness that we're out here by the tree line, doing what we were always supposed to do.

7:59 PM  
Blogger suze said...

On the hand I'm feeling, Yay, I have a comment, not everyone has forgotten me - although totally understandable given my lack of commitment to the blog world, and on the other, I'm thinking, Oh My God, what's the point of it all then? I'm more than capable of dealing with the spiders myself- I am Australian after all, we're used to that stuff. Oh Boys...what's a girl to do?

1:22 AM  
Blogger Mr. Burns said...

What is the point of it all...not sure anyone's got that narrowed down yet. I tell myself that it's still being revealed. That seems to be working for the time being.

Trust, hearts, love, fragility. There are men out there who can be trusted with love. Just like there are women out there who cannot be. It can be a struggle to find, though, and everyone's got to do it for themselves, with the tools within.

Glad to see you've broken radio silence.

7:10 AM  
Blogger Jenna said...

Hello Gorgeous!
I read this last night but was soooo sick so here I am today making a comment. Sure you can deal with spiders on your own, but you still need love. A strong woman that you are it's hard to find a man that can hold up to your "greatness" no pun intended...There are men who can be trusted and I'm sure you'll try again , still it sucks that you feel like "you're slowly drowning". How about a life line here. None us are really alone, and this whole thing of being adult, strong woman sucks at times, yet it's hard to let anybody else steer your your boat when most have failed miserably so far< Still you wouldn't be this great mom, strong woman, gorgeous, if you let this scare you:)*hug*

ps I've been checking your blog on a regular basis just in case you'd decide to write, missed you xoxoxo

3:21 PM  
Blogger Jade said...

Hand me the travel brochures.


9:30 PM  
Blogger eleKtrofly said...

i know the feeling.

i'm scared of 'coupledom' again now too.

so vulnerable.

10:30 PM  

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