Sunday, October 08, 2006

I was walking in my little town and felt compelled to go into the bookshop. I had a book to pick up for Jade that she had ordered in, but I still had the feeling that I had to go in there. I had all day in fact. I had been thinking that I was ready for something challenging as I find that during such intense sadness it's also a great opportunity for growth. I got the book for Jade and then walked straight to the back of the bookshop and this book literally leapt out at me: 'Motherless Mothers' by Hope Edelman - definitely the book I needed to read. A few years after my Mum died I read her first book, 'Motherless Daughter' and it helped me a lot. I didn't even know that she had written other books as it hadn't occured to me to look. It's still so confronting for me, and there is still so much purposely unexplored grief, but I felt like I needed to read this book. Without even a glance at the back cover, or my usual flick through the pages, I found myself at the counter paying for both books. I have only read a couple of chapters but there are some key things in there that I really identify with, the biggest one being about the kind of relationship I need to be in. That Motherless Mothers/Daughters have a whole set of needs they need met to other women, and it's just made a whole lot of sense to me, and shed some light on my break up with Sam. For me, specifically I realise that I need someone who can understand where my accomplishments (as pitfinder so generously points out in my previous post) come from. That it's not out of a natural brilliance, or talent, but out of a deep seated feeling that I need to figure it all out, because no-one else is around to help me, or show me the way. That although 'on paper' it looks as though I've got it all sorted, I actually need a lot of reassurance and to know that the person I love thinks I'm worthy. That's a really big one for me. I've felt worthless for most of my life, and that's where the impetus to 'know' and 'succeed' etc.. comes from. Not out of an amazing space of self esteem, although I'm sure from the outside that's what it looks like. I think that because I haven't realised that, and I'm not altogether that comfortable with needing that, I have chosen men who need a lot of reassurance but then I feel sidelined in the relationship. But these men have also seemed very independent, because I need to feel that they will be OK without me, as like most women whose mothers have died young, I feel that I will too. It's all felt so complex, these emotions inside of me, like a tangled ball of string, but reading it, plain and simple in black and white, makes it all seem...well, plain and simple and black and white. It's almost a relief. I've felt so alone with my grief as my family won't ever acknowledge my Mum and the impact her death has had on me. Instead they openly criticise her in front of me, making me feel so confused about how I feel. Questioning my memories of her. Re-inforcing my sense of isolation. Consequently, my eyes are still stinging!!! I seem to fall asleep crying and wake up pretty much doing the same. But I can also feel it shifting. I also wanted to say a big thank you to Jade for being such a beautiful friend to me. Not judging me, not trying to fix me, hugging me in her strong reassuring arms, and allowing me to just be.

7 Comments:

Blogger Matt said...

*hug* I'm glad you found something that helped you define things and feel like someone else has been through something at least similar to you. Having a good friend like Jade is one of the most important things you can have in the world.

5:50 AM  
Blogger earthkissed said...

Woops, that was bec, I forgot to log matt out of the computer before commenting, my bad!

5:51 AM  
Blogger pitfinder said...

You can feel worthless all you want, but you're not.

I bet there's a small person around there somewhere that doesn't feel that way at all.

Don't let yourself forget.

6:18 PM  
Blogger Jade said...

I love you Suze.

2:58 PM  
Blogger Jenna said...

Hang in there honey:)

8:22 AM  
Blogger ML said...

When you feel like youre worrying about one thing too much eat a kilo of prunes. That will really give you something else to think about. Eating an entire bunch of celery has the same effect only WORSE.

10:34 AM  
Blogger ML said...

Sometimes I think the word verification on these comment forms makes you rewrite another random set of letters just to make you think you did the last ones wrong when infact you didnt really. Im sure I just wrote L E B E R Q in correctly but here I am again now about to write A P I W R D. Its trying to make me feel like a complete S P A N N E R and its working.

10:37 AM  

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