Thursday, September 28, 2006

Yesterday I was so tired. I woke up at 6.30 but didn't really feel like getting out of bed..so I picked up a weighty tome, 'The Eight' and I couldn't put it down. Also, I kept falling asleep and having such vivid dreams that I just woke up even more bleary eyed sleepy. I hauled my sorry arse out of bed to have lunch with a friend, and then came home and read and slept some more. I just feel so tired sometimes. Tired of doing everything on my own. Tired of being a single mum, of not having family support, tired of dealing with all business comings and goings on my own. Sometimes my shoulders aren't broad enough to cope with it all and I feel weary to my bones. And sad. Sad that I didn't make different choices in my life when I was younger. Sad that I didn't grow up feeling loved and confident. Then I slowly got out of bed, threw some clothes on and walked for hours with my dog. Ended up at a friend's house and played chess. Sigh. I also just finished a brilliant book, called the 'Kite Runner'. One of the saddest books I have ever read, but also so compelling in the way it was written. What a sorry race we are. It made me feel really sad about the way we universally communicate. Lies, deception, power, war. Show me a relationship, any relationship, where there isn't even the slightest element of these things.

8 Comments:

Blogger Mr. Burns said...

Choices. Cause. Effect. Regret. It's so easy to get discouraged; strangely enough I had a conversation about this subject matter last night with an acquaintance. Try to keep your head up. This is all supposed to make sense at some point.

6:31 AM  
Blogger suze said...

Thanks Mr Burns. I needed to be reminded of that.

4:41 PM  
Blogger Jenna said...

So agree with Mr. Burns...choices, regrets, we all have them, wouldn't be the people that we are now if we didn't have that past.
Even a smart,talented, and very strong woman like you can have days like this.
Except, you're not alone:)
you've got us!
*hug*

4:42 PM  
Blogger pitfinder said...

I know that feeling of doing everything yourself, shouldering all the responsibility (boy, do I), but you have to look at the other side too. I don't have somebody always telling me what I have to do, when, how, etc. I have the responsibility and the authority to get stuff done. I have flexibility in my schedule. In short, I have the burden, but a lot of freedom too.
I guess I'm saying it's kind of a glass is half empty/half full kind of thing.

Rest up, feel better. *hug*

5:43 PM  
Blogger Jenna said...

Hey there are so meany good things that come out of taking care of things yourself. I seam o be basking in it lately , but everyonce in a while I wonder
"now had I not done this...said that.."
But I love being responsible for myself only! Spent years taking care of a huge family taht was not my own, lots to shoulder.Now It's just me and sometimes that's one too many to worry about> it all makes us stronger for the next thing.

1:04 AM  
Blogger Smiling Willow said...

The sense that it's all supposed to make eludes me... except for maybe five seconds out of every year. But I don't think it matters. Nothing makes sense, and it is all still worth it. A good treatise on this is The Myth of Sisyphus by Camus. Lately I have experienced many moments where the sense seems to be just out of my grasp, and I am learning to enjoy and cultivate these moments, when I hover on the edge of crucial understanding. It's the human experience.

9:08 AM  
Blogger NWO said...

My unsolicited advice: Looking back is fruitless, and looking into the future is impossible. Enjoy each moment, find the best in it. Life is good. As is your writing, I might add.

2:16 PM  
Blogger earthkissed said...

Oh dear, I got here too late and all the good advice is given:) So I will just have to give this *hug*

10:47 PM  

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