Sunday, August 06, 2006

After a meeting with one of my clients on Friday, my world has changed somewhat, and this juggernaut has been downscaled. I am so ready to take this on in a big way that I can't help but be disappointed. And I feel the weight of that which constricts my breathing. In a different way to the lack of breath I feel when I'm overwhelmed. Big sighs. I'm finding it hard to get my optimism back, my cheeriness, so easy to slip right back into old patterns of worthlessness. My vision was so clear, and everything was falling into place so well, with an ease and grace that made it feel right but now I'm floundering, not sure of my name, what my world looks like. And I know that actually this is a much better way to start and grow a business, a bit slower, gradual, makes more sense, actually has more profit in it, in terms of percentage, but that's not the thing that drives me. I wanted to give lots of people jobs, set up a positive work culture, be professional, not amateur. Have a good local presence. Be successful. I'm finding it really hard to pick myself up from this and regroup, refocus, make it happen. Why did I attract this?? And what am I capable of attracting in my life? It all seemed so easy last week, and now I'm finding it really hard to imagine. And in terms of 'the boy', I'm feeling the same kind of thing. This man is so lovely, makes me feel so good, is supportive etc but I still feel like he's not really committed to me, and isn't sure if he wants to. I try to tell him how I need to be loved, because I think sometimes that's what it's all about, sorting out expectations. And I think he tries, but it seems as though every week I need to discuss where we're at, becuase I need the reassurance, and I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to overanalyse the crap out of 'us', I just need a better idea of what 'us' is. It's especially disheartening when we talk about what we want in our lives, want we want to create, and he doesn't ever mention me. Or what he's grateful in his life. It makes me feel empty and like I'm not sure what I'm doing in this relationship. I think I also find it hard to join up sex and love. In my experience you either have one or the other, but not both. How do I change my beliefs? How do I discuss this stuff with him, again, without seeming demanding and pathetic? How do I create abundance and security in my life? How do I create a clear vision of my life, and achieve it?

7 Comments:

Blogger pitfinder said...

Sometimes that's what busines is about, making adjustments when you have to. You'll work through it.

An insight into guys. (I hope.)
We don't think about this relationship stuff anywhere near as much as girls do. If it doesn't seem broken, we tend to leave it alone. Many of us have gotten gun-shy about these relationship disscussons. Often, we say the wrong thing while trying to be honest and get in trouble. Or we try to say the right thing and get in trouble for not being honest.
If he's interested, attentive, cooperative, and the like, that may be his way of saying he likes you and wants this to continue. We tend to think actions speak louder than words.

Personally, if a woman keeps asking me 'Do you love me?' or the equivalent even though I keep saying yes, it tells me that either she doesn't listen to my answers or she doesn't trust me. This can get a little frustrating over time.
If you've been having relationship discussions weekly and he's still around, I think he likes you.
(Just my two cents.)

7:05 PM  
Blogger pitfinder said...

I hope that didn't sound too preachy. Oh, hey, I'm glad you've come back to the blogosphere.

7:06 PM  
Blogger suze said...

Thanks Pitfinder. Not too preachy, it does help. I know that he likes me, it's just that he's so fearful and hesitant, and I need to know that we're going somewhere. I need to feel that we're working towards something together. Especially if my life feels a bit shaky. Anyway, bad day. Will try not to be too analytical. Thanks.

7:11 PM  
Blogger Mr. Burns said...

Suze-

You do have a lot to devour at the moment. So, how then do you create/achieve this stability, that sense of calm?

Never stop striving for it, not matter how confusing or worthless it seems. Sometimes we aren't always aware of just what we're in; sometimes only time itself can make sense of things.

7:51 PM  
Blogger Jade said...

Babe we'll be fine. You are such an amazing business woman so of course you're wanting to fly high instantly, but like you said, it's good to take it slow in the beginning. This venture of yours is so ridiculously new but you already have so much happening! As for the boy? I'll be sure and have that long overdue 'talk' with him soon...you know the one I mean...

4:31 AM  
Blogger Smiling Willow said...

oh suze. oh. I sort of feel like rather than focus on the relationship, you could help the relationship by looking at why you feel like you need him... I mean, you don't really think you NEED him, do you? you don't. you are a marvelously strong woman, I can tell, and if you can let go of the feeling of needing him, it will take some of the pressure off... you want him, you take joy in being together... isn't that enough?

6:26 PM  
Blogger earthkissed said...

*hug* No advice from me, I just hope things start to come together again for you.

11:14 PM  

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