We got back to his house last night and there was a message on his phone to remember his Dad's 60th birthday. And he said that he wished he would be there, but Calgary, Alberta, is a long way from the Blue Mountains, not to mention expensive..we talked a little more about inconsequential things and then he just said to me: let's go. I said OK. So next week we are flying to Calgary for his Dad's 60th birthday. It must be hard being stuck between two cultures. Being so far away from your family. I mean, a lot of the time I wish I was farther away from mine, but it's still nice to know that if I need them, they're there. And it sounds like a nice family. So next week we are flying to San Francisco, spending a day there, which will be fun, and then flying straight to his Dad's surprise party. So is anyone going to be in San Fran, Sept 8? and want to catch up? or Calgary until the 15th? I guess this is what is meant by a flying visit!!!

I feel like there is an underlying sadness in me at the moment and I don't really know what it's about. Well, specifically. It could be a few things. I'm worried about how I'm connecting with my girl. She's a real Daddy's girl and sometimes it's hard not to take it personally. Feels like rejection sometimes and then I feel that no matter how good a parent I want to be-I suck. It could be this guy I've been seeing. I mean it's really good. We have a fun time, communicate well, talk and laugh a lot, but something 's missing. I don't think he wants to commit to me. Fair enough really. Work, when it's happening is fantastic, but the client I am waiting on is waiting on the tax department for approval and in the meantime, I feel like I'm letting down a lot of people who are waiting for me. But mostly I think, I just feel so god damned boring. I need an adventure. I need to assume another's identity for a while and be someone else who thinks differently and does differently to me. Has different patterns and old belief systems. Preferably someone who is all sorted out professionally, has a boy that loves her, and a daughter that can't think of anything better than to be with her Mummy. Oh, and a dog that doesn't bark!!

Is that too much to ask? Really?

I love it when my belly is full of good fresh food. I just ate an enormous bowl of choy sum, or maybe it was kar gai, with kecap manis and oyster sauce, and a stir-fry of marinated tofu, corn off the cob, bean shoots, carrot and mushroom. And it was so delicious I had a second enormous bowl. Yummeeeeeeee! Trying to feel a bit healthier. My normally flawless skin has been spotty and I also had a rash from my washing powder, and I've been worried that I might be getting really sick again. The kind of sick that has landed me in hospital before-last year, in and out for three months. So I'm eating well, sleeping well (which isn't normally much of an effort for me anyway), and exercising, which is something I engage in sporadically, even though it makes me feel so good when I'm in a routine. Tomorrow after some big meetings in the big smoke, my boy and I are heading to a friend's house overlooking the Hawkesbury River to relax and unwind before the next busy stint of work starts. Only one more sleep to go!!

Do ever notice when sometimes you get spammed that there is some weird little except included? I'm tempted to create an entire blog from them. Here's a taste:


chalk quarry bristle-thighed
camel-shaped lath nailer
precision punch sharp-snouted
ill-favoredness ox-eyed
amrad gum clean-shaped
sunset brown life-serving

Sometimes the sentence isn't finished and I want to use it as a creative writing tool. You know where you use the first bit for inspiration/tone etc..and then finish it off.

The trial . . . I said feebly, visions of lawyers, appeals, torts
and documents dancing in my head.
There was no mercy in his voice now, no touch of the tiniest of

Floyd was my guide. Stamping in step with me along the corridors and
into the conference room.
Hi, guys! I said in cheery greeting to the far-from-friendly faces.

After a meeting with one of my clients on Friday, my world has changed somewhat, and this juggernaut has been downscaled. I am so ready to take this on in a big way that I can't help but be disappointed. And I feel the weight of that which constricts my breathing. In a different way to the lack of breath I feel when I'm overwhelmed. Big sighs. I'm finding it hard to get my optimism back, my cheeriness, so easy to slip right back into old patterns of worthlessness. My vision was so clear, and everything was falling into place so well, with an ease and grace that made it feel right but now I'm floundering, not sure of my name, what my world looks like. And I know that actually this is a much better way to start and grow a business, a bit slower, gradual, makes more sense, actually has more profit in it, in terms of percentage, but that's not the thing that drives me. I wanted to give lots of people jobs, set up a positive work culture, be professional, not amateur. Have a good local presence. Be successful. I'm finding it really hard to pick myself up from this and regroup, refocus, make it happen. Why did I attract this?? And what am I capable of attracting in my life? It all seemed so easy last week, and now I'm finding it really hard to imagine. And in terms of 'the boy', I'm feeling the same kind of thing. This man is so lovely, makes me feel so good, is supportive etc but I still feel like he's not really committed to me, and isn't sure if he wants to. I try to tell him how I need to be loved, because I think sometimes that's what it's all about, sorting out expectations. And I think he tries, but it seems as though every week I need to discuss where we're at, becuase I need the reassurance, and I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to overanalyse the crap out of 'us', I just need a better idea of what 'us' is. It's especially disheartening when we talk about what we want in our lives, want we want to create, and he doesn't ever mention me. Or what he's grateful in his life. It makes me feel empty and like I'm not sure what I'm doing in this relationship. I think I also find it hard to join up sex and love. In my experience you either have one or the other, but not both. How do I change my beliefs? How do I discuss this stuff with him, again, without seeming demanding and pathetic? How do I create abundance and security in my life? How do I create a clear vision of my life, and achieve it?