So tired, the world takes on dreamscape qualities
drifting, observing
So happy, it feels as though my whole being is smiling
radiating, full
My brain vibrating, buzzing
Using everything I know
and learning daily
a very steep, necessary, flying by the seat of my pants kind of learning
which is so motivating
I feel connected, organised
and close
in the rhythm
pulse
of all around me.
Everything is so calm
so easy
simple
or uncomplicated
Like poetry.
Peace.

So I've made the change, and I'm unsure of whether I'm going to need HRT to help me through it.
New blogger hey?
Well I'm a little sceptical. If it works, I'll be very happy to get my old friends back, the people that haven't been able to leave comments etc..but if I press publish and the whole thing disappears...well..unlikely I'll be particularly impressed and I will, no doubt vanish from this lovely ether land. Never to be seen or spoken of again.
That could happen.
Well....here goes.....

My whole world is a different colour.
My heart beats to an unfamiliar tune.
My stomach isn't churning
and I am calm
and I am smiling
I feel beautiful
and as this seeps into my soul
it seems like this could never end.

And not even my cynical mind
and scarred heart
can talk me out of it.

I"ve just realised something.

For the last few years, or maybe it"s been my whole life, I"ve been wanting a book, a manual, if you will on how to live my life. See, I"ve never really been taught anything by anyone and just sort of figured everything out.

But now I realise that I"ve always known.

The things that are important to me, and any questions I may have about them, are pretty much answered before I finish asking them.

And this is the ironic thing. The one thing...the only thing really, that I"ve been taught, is to ignore that. To overlay the truth, what I know to be true in my gut, ever since I was a tiny little thing, with layers of crap that sound feasible, or maybe appealing, but aren"t right.

All I have to do, is to "check in" with myself, "read" my body and what I"m feeling, and the answer is there.

So I don"t need a manual on how to live my life.

I need to throw away the one, that says don"t listen to that voice inside of me that already knows.

It's a crazy, crazy world.

For the first time in my life, I am so happy to be single. Not thinking about men at all. And feeling really grounded.

Seriously.

Then yesterday, I ran into this lovely guy I have known for ten years. We've always been friends and our worlds have often intersected. I used to hang out a bit with his gorgeous french girlfriend. And a couple of years ago, when I ran into his Dad, who always keeps me up to date on what he's up to, I flippantly told him I would marry him, when he said he had split up with the gorgeous french girl and was now living over 1000kms away.

So we saw each other at a cafe I hardly ever go to, after a very strange set of events that got me there in the first place, and we gave each other a huge hug and a kiss and he promptly got rid of his friend on the phone. It was so warm, our eyes were sparklng. He was on his way out west, but said that he would be heading back to Sydney later on, if I wanted to have a drink or something.

So we met up, had a couple of drinks, went to a beautiful indian restaurant for dinner and it was awesome. Before I left, I was worried that maybe we wouldn't have much to think about. I've always known of him as a labourer and a bar worker. But we just talked and talked and laughed. And I felt so relaxed. There was this moment during dinner, when I could see myself from the outside at my most charming, relaxed and witty. Hee hee.

It was like a first date with a really old friend, if you can imagine such a thing. And I am normally so neurotic, nervous and fidgety, that I wonder why I ever get second dates. But this was just so relaxed and comfortable, but still a little buzzy.

And he is such a surprise. The way he thinks, how well read he is, what he wants. It was just such a shock. Because although we've always gotten on really well, we've never really had much of a conversation as we often saw each other when we were working or out with other people. And even though we kind of know each other, our circles of friends are completely different.

We totally hit it off. And this morning, after resisting the urge to text him all night, he emailed me to say what a great time he had had and that he would like to see me again.

And I haven't stopped smiling all day.

Then today, I'm having coffee with a girl I kind of know because there weren't any other tables free, and a friend of hers sits down and invites me around to his place for a drink.

This is so bizarre! I live in a town, with zero talent. Seriously. I never meet guys that I like.

So then I go to pay for my coffee, and I run into another guy, I assume barely knows who I am, despite having been in similar circles. So we chat for a while and I'm still thinking he's just being polite in lieu of any other 'real' friends around, and then he asks me if I would like to catch up with him some time?

What's going on??

Is the universe testing my will? Or have I just landed in a space and I am exuding the airs of that grace?

So I'm eating dinner, on my own, thinking about all of this, when I get a text from a french guy I met at a party last year who was really into me, and who emailed me a few times when he went back to France. He gave me his entire itinerary and said he hoped I would be able to find some time for him.

???

This really does feel very strange.

And also today, I get a call from a guy from one of the major electricity providers saying that I have been recommended to him, for a marketing campaign. So we talk business for a while, and then he says: I am sure I have met you before. Your name is really familiar to me, and your voice. And I have to say, after the last 24 hours I'm thinking anything is possible.

Get this: it turns out we met about 8 years ago. My ex-business partners, ex boyfriend's, ex wife is married to this guy. I have met him just one time and we managed to put that together.

I feel like I have been transported onto a movie set, except it's actually my life.