I feel different.
Very calm.
Peaceful and wise.

The chaos around me
That would normally toss me
and throw me
sink me
and float me

Passes around me
and I feel anchored.

Like that solid knowing woman
Feet planted
Who I have been dreaming about
I have become.

So I'm going back to my New Year's Resolution. Celibacy. I've just decided that this is not my year for relationships. I've had a couple of murky years in the love quagmire which have been at best, unfulfilling and at worst, devastating .

So this is my year for money and career, I've decided. I was kind of on track with all of that before my Mum died. I was talking to a friend of mine last night who was asking lots of questions about Mum, and I realised that last year was the end of the seven year cycle that started then. And it's been seven years of grief, and fear, and anger and not feeling supported.

And this year, for the first time in a really long time, feels full of promise. This is my year for finding my equilibrium again, my centre. Establishing my base.

This year is about establishing myself careerwise too. I have already picked up one new client, and through her diverse needs, she has helped me realise more about the direction I want to take. I am setting up a new shop for her. Doing all of her marketing and publicity, assisting with the interior design and layout of the shop, and then over the next twelve months, systematising her three businesses. I'll also be writing staff manuals and retraining, provide strategic analysis and plans. And this work is a culmination of a lot of the experience I already have, as well as learning and researching new things.

I'll also be working on my other business, writing a book, producing meditation CDs, which we just received the background music for. We found a brilliant musician in New York who is also a Yogi and owns a recording studio, or has access to it. I strongly recommend elance for any internet based work anyone requires.

I've also applied for a couple of part-time jobs, that are just 10-15 hours per week, sales merchandising. I haven't heard anything yet, but it's another way of focusing my attention and getting a little bit of work each week.

And all of this just feels right. I think I will be moving more in the direction of small business advisor, mainly because I love the diversity.

This is also the last year before my little girl starts school, so I'll have the flexibility to be able to hang out with her. I'm going to pull her out for a couple of weeks in May and go to Fiji with some other friends and their kids. May will be a perfect time for a holiday.

I'm hoping the the subdivision I've been working on will be completed by then, and I'll have a couple of blocks of land to put on the market.

So no more boys, unless they just happen to effortlessly and magically cross my path, and are so special that I can't ignore them. Ergo, no more boys!!!

Last year I tied up a lot of loose ends, and I'll continue doing so this year.

But I think it will be more a year of finally putting down some roots - irony intended ;-)

This made me smirk, if not giggle just a little.

I clicked on the link on my blog for Christmas Cats, just to see if he had come back, and it took me to a site that sells online medication for depression like Soma etc...

And the irony is just so perfect I can't help wondering if Mr Cats himself has set it up.

Here Kitty Kitty...

So we tried. We really did. We had a fun time.

And now it's over, again. And I'm wondering what is going on? I mean I know what it is, but it's still kind of confounding.

Feels like I'm treading water.

Treading water in this beautiful sea of love, with a boy who doesn't realise he can swim.

And no amount of reassurance and holding of hands, gently guiding him, telling him how to do it, and that he can, is going to change that.

And I can swim. I can do lap after lap of butterfly for God's sake, with tumble turns.

And that's the story of me and him.

Today I wrote my CV for the very first time in my entire life, and applied for a job.

I feel really proud.

Why do I always do things backwards? It means I'm either way ahead of the pack or way behind. Lately it's been the latter.

Time for me to grow up and get ahead.

You've been tagged!

That's right! You've been tagged.
If you are reading this, or if you are on my links, or if you are on the links of some-one who is on my links then write down 5 things that you love about you. Or love about what you've done. I know I should go first, but it's gonna take a while to come up with five....Ok OK OK!

1) I love my thoughtfulness. I love that I see the world in that light. I can see what people need, or what would help them through the day. I love my compassion towards the world. There is a great scene in the film 'adaptation' and the dorky brother says to the other one, that he judges his success not by the people who have said yes to him, but by the quality of people he has loved. And similarly, my compassion towards others is not about being recognised, or acknowledged, but simply feeling and doing.

2) I love my eyes. I have big brown eyes, with long lashes and the left one is half green. My Mum used to call it a sparkle. Some people have called it the evil eye. Hee hee.

3) I love my hands. My hands are tiny and thin and look really old but they are so capable. They have built a house, and thrown endless pots on the wheel, they have climbed up rockfaces, and changed many a nappy, they have held and loved and clapped, and typed so many letters and ideas, designed logos, played music on many instruments, handcrafted creams, made cakes and moulded mud cakes. They are good hands.

4) Wow number four already. This isn't as hard as I thought.
I love the way I respect children. I love the way I bring up my daughter. I mean I'm sure I screw it up daily, but I also know that the way I love her, and the kids around me will change their lives and that I am contributing to a new consciousness on the planet. Good kids these ones.

5) I love my heart. I love that I am listening to my heart, finally. Getting out of my head space, that was always so goddamned rational and appropriate, and doing what feels right. Even if it goes against what my head 'thinks' is the right things to do. And my life is changing and I am doing things that have never even occurred to me before. And it feels so good.

So come on guys, let's start the new year with being aware of all the things that make us unique and great. And love to you all.

he just breathes,
I love you Suze,
into my ear,
holding me so tight,
and I feel it resonate through my body,
like he's breathing life into me
and I never want him to go