she came she saw she thought she wrote

2009-01-06T04:24:00.000-08:00

Oh who the hell was I kidding???

I never loved him.

He bored the crap out of me.

And now he's gone I can breathe again.

So good to have that space in my life again.

The space to desire, feel, aaaaaaaaaahhhhh

Two months

2008-09-25T22:45:00.000-07:00

So today marks two months since he first surprised me with his tender kiss, since French spilled out of my mouth like it did 20 years ago.

I sometimes think about other relationships I've had, filled with spark and longing that broke my heart daily and I wonder if I feel that for him. Mostly I don't. I am too sensible for that now, too confident and self assured, or maybe just too jaded. But we work. We work really well. I get so much from him, his tenderness, his thoughtfulness, his pressing desire to see me as soon as possible at every turn.

And slowly my heart is filling with love, like I'm on a drip, medicating me from old maladies. My fear is still palpable but I mostly manage to push it to the back of my mind.

My body is starting to yearn for him, but I still need a lot of space. And after a fairly indulgent, messy winter start, we are both so clean and glowing. I've been jogging regularly and eating really well and I feel as though I am shining. But maybe that's just under his gaze so loving.

He loves me. He really loves me. I fascinate him, I'm an enigma to him, dark, secretive, intelligent and accomplished.

And for me, well there are many things that he's not. Many qualities I have sought in undeserving targets and left longing. Qualities that I'm now satisfied to find elsewhere. Because what I need from him, what I get from him, is more than I can find in books and travel and quality education. What I get from him is connection, laughing, loving and respect. It's taking up the slack for each other, and to me, that is priceless and rare and that is what I love about him.

Dreamy

2008-06-22T04:42:00.000-07:00

Today I was standing in the Botanical Gardens in the winter sun with a belly full of yum cha, kissing.

Kissing tenderly and gently and passionately. Kissing with his face in my hands. Kissing and breathing each other in. Kissing and he tenderly brushes a piece of hair out of my face. Kissing like no-one is watching and neither of us have been hurt before.

And now, in front of the computer, finishing off some work from last week, I glimpse that moment in my mind's eye, and suddenly realise how much I have wanted this. Wanted it so much. To feel a part of something, someone.

He was away last week and I was feeling anxious and when he came back and I picked him up from the airport last week, I felt so calm. And for the first time in a really long time, really long time I am with someone who makes me feel relaxed and calm and ok. And when we're apart I just miss him so much.

I miss the way we laugh so easily. I miss waking up in the middle of the night with our bodies wrapped in each other, not sure which bit belongs to who. I miss the ease of our bodies, our minds. At the gallery we saw some modern art, that almost defied post modern deconstructionist theory, and we were doubled over laughing and then we found a really dark corner and started cuddling and kissing and then laughing again when someone else came into the room, oblivious that we were even there. Before we left I said that I had to go to see some 'real' art so that I felt better about the experience and..well it was just funny and easy and nice. So nice to be with.

Last night it was his son's 21st birthday and being Greek, there were about 50 relatives and friends, including obviously, his ex wife. And it was all so easy and welcoming and supportive. Afterwards, his sister came up to me and said that I was a hit. And today he said the same after reading a text on his phone. And some of his friends invited us out...so different to Pete. Where it was all taboo and difficult and dishonest. And I felt ashamed without knowing why. I then found out that I was the first girlfriend that he had brought along to such an event since his divorce, which was about 6 years ago and when I asked him why, he said very simply and honestly, no one else has been worthy.

So after 6 weeks or so my disbelief is starting to wane. With each caress he takes off a bit of tarnish, heals a few more scars. But it's only been six weeks or so and well I'm trying to get through each day slowly and enjoy it and not be too neurotic in the process. Trying not to sabotage it before it has a chance. And desperately trying not to think about how much it's going to hurt if it doesn't work out.

2008-03-25T00:18:00.000-07:00

So tonight I have a date.

I know...hard to believe, but alas, it's true.

And I am so nervous and procrastinating. I'm making him dinner and I've only just got home from shopping at the various providores who have the yummy things I need for my, hopefully, lust inducing, concoctions.

I haven't had a shower, and I've only got two more hours. No idea what to wear! Haven't sorted out music...

Ok, breathe, relax...and he's so lovely...but aren't they all in the beginning?

I've got to put the washing away...and the dishes...breathe....oh how ridiculous! I probably won't even like him in a couple of weeks, I'll be whingeing about the way he talks or dresses or his mother, or some other trivial thing like that. Ok, well not his Ma...

But right now, he's gorgeous. Dresses well, smells delicious, is motivated, and really compassionate...and I really like him.

And I think he likes me too....

Ok, I'm going to unpack the food and have a shower...

I'm going already!!!

Ok Ok!

2008-03-14T19:55:00.000-07:00

Alrighty, here I am. I am so tired and so busy. Last night I had 9 hours sleep and am even more tired than when I just get 5, which seems to be the norm these days.

I usually work until 6 or so, pick up my daughter from school, play with her and do house stuff, and then when she's asleep I work until 12 or 1, and then she wakes me up at around 6am and it starts all over again.

It's a crazy way to live.

And I just feel like I'm going backwards. I love living in this city. It has a beautiful energy and in just a few short months, have made some really lovely friends. But financially, it's an expensive place to be, and work wise, I wonder what I'm doing.

I just wish I had lots of money and could just hang out with Luka, and play. Have time to enjoy this place. Instead I feel like I'm slowly drowning.

And I long to love again. But I just don't trust it. All my friends, old and new, that are in that mystery land of `Coupledom`, seem to be looking at travel brochures desiring to visit different, exotic lands. And I just don't think I can go through heart ache again. It nearly kills me every time, even when it's fairly insignificant.

I can't imagine trusting someone again. Have I just not met the right kind of men? Or are all men not to be trusted with love? And intimacy? And my fragile heart?

What is emotional maturity anyway?

Weary.

I'm used to feeling successful, and satisfied with my work, and my life, but I'm not really sure what the point of anything is at the moment.

Australia Day

2008-01-25T17:14:00.000-08:00

Today is Australia Day and while I am so proud to be Australian and love my country there are definitely some things in our past that we need to rectify to move on.

When you think about, we all do. Maybe today is a day to say sorry and allow every one to move on.

2008-01-18T04:28:00.000-08:00

I am in Melbourne visiting my brother and his lovely family and something has changed. I don't see these guys very often, with the tyranny of distance, work and kids, so it doesn't surprise me that I feel this way.

You know what it's like when you have space, people change, children/gardens grow, spaces evolve. But this time, I can see me. I have changed, or maybe become more 'me'.

I feel so calm. So centred and I can feel their response to me is different.

There is an easiness now that I rarely feel. A trust, a handing over, a community or equals and respect. No longer just 'little sister'.

And it's lovely.

There is an absence of judgement from them, and from me. Instead an easy rhythm with a slow, steady beat. An absence of frenetic anxiety and internal chatter.

And I know I'll be back soon.

Flatpack Update:

2008-01-13T01:31:00.000-08:00

So it looks as though there may well be a happy ending after all.

I rang the supplier of said flatpack nightmare the next morning, explained my predicament and the very lovely customer service lady - who actually understood the meaning of the word "customer"- (how refreshing), asked me

"so you would like us to send you a replacement of Part A"?

And I said,

"well, close - I would like you to send me Part A with an installer because I have already lost one day on this project, and really can't afford another to uninstall, and then reinstall".

And she said

"could you hold for one minute please?" And I said, "why of course".

I mean if this woman can arrange for someone to come out and not only fix up the broken bedhead as well as put in the bits that I couldn't fit together, who am I to complain about one minute?

In fact, in less than a minute, she came back on the line and said

"an installer will be out next week with the broken part and is there anything else she can do for me?"

So, as they say,

"All's well that end's well"- well Shakespeare anyway.

And I finally found a use for the Stephen King books that happen to be in my bookshelf. They propped up the bed beautifully and Luka and her friends had a lovely night sleeping in them. Luka loves them so much she barely left them all weekend, playing, drawing and sleeping in them.

ps: Photos to follow.

2008-01-10T01:22:00.000-08:00

So this is the process of the bunk bed, unfortunately there is no happy ending.
So this is how it comes unpacked.

And this is all the stuff I needed to put it together - seems simple enough yeah?

Now we're in room number three, as this is a very small place, and already I'm wondering how I'll ever get the bunks out if I move. The only thing worse than putting flat packed furniture together is taking it apart and then reassembling it. So far so good right?

Still going well and starting to take shape. At this point, my lovely daughter rings me to see if the bunks have arrived, and she's just so excited. I tell her that I'm building them and have renewed energy for this so far slow going project and Oprah and tennis distractions.

And then finally voila. Well not quite voila as there are some corner bits that I can't for the life of me screw into place, but it's solid, and I know that for Luka and her two friends that are coming to stay tomorrow night, it'll be fine. Plus the two friends' mum, Miss V, will be able to help me finish them off, and if not, I'll get the flat pack guy to give me a hand next week.

And then after a really long day, and taking a day off, and not feeling particularly well, I move the bunks into place in the corner of the room, and this happens:

The base of the bedhead post must be rough chip board and snagged on the carpet and just snapped. And I am so f^&#ing disappointed and sad that I won't have this ready for my girl tomorrow night. And so f^$#@ing frustrated that I've wasted a whole day doing one of the things I hate most to have such a crap outcome. And now what do I do, with bunk beds that are assembled and broken? Any ideas anyone? I mean this is childrens' furniture. Surely you would expect it to be made of better quality stuff. How does this stuff pass quality checks? And it's not even the cheap Ikea stuff. F$#@ !!!!

And for some reason I can only see this post in html so I can't tell if the photos are in order or not. I'm sure you can all figure out the right sequence though. So not in the mood right now to to and fro blogger!!

2008-01-09T18:03:00.000-08:00

I am about to embark upon the nightmare that is 'flat packed furniture'. Uh huh, you know what I'm talking about. And I will curse Terence Conran every minute of the way for inventing such a thing to make stylish furniture available to the masses NOW! Personally, I would have happily waited three weeks for a fully assembled set of bunk beds to arrive on my doorstep. Damn those young 1950s newlyweds with their impatience and pre-child disposable incomes!

2008-01-09T00:29:00.001-08:00

Sunrise this morning - taken from my balcony!

This year is going to be a very special year. It is a year for beginnings.

Numerologically it's a number one. Which coincides very rarely with the first year of the Chinese Horoscope, which is the Rat - the first animal that made it's way to Buddha when he called the animals to him. And I've also heard that it's the "universal" number one year, but I'm not quite sure what that means. In fact I probably have it confused with the numerology.

It feels especially significant to me, 2008. Firstly, I am a Rat. So when your Chinese Horoscope birth sign matches the year of that sign, it is said to be especially powerful.

Also, being 35, my 7 year cycle starts again this year.

So it feels big. And easy too. Somehow effortless and breezy. I am interconnected and interrelated, aligned.

But most of all, I am just so goddammed happy that it's no longer 2007!!!!!! I think I can feel another fireworks photo coming on!!

2008-01-05T23:23:00.000-08:00

This is where I've moved to.
I wake up to this amazing view and I can't imagine ever being sad or worried again.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2008-01-05T03:01:00.001-08:00

This is the view of Sydney city from my balcony, lounge and bedroom. It was an unexpected delight to be here to welcome in the new year. A lovely night with my lovely girl, special meal and beautiful talk about the good and bad of '07 and expectations for '08.

I really feel that this year is going to bring many wonderful things. Calm positive energy. Time. Space. Togetherness. Workable peace. My wish for 2008.

Love to you all xx

2007-04-16T15:01:00.000-07:00

I think my time here - inhabiting at times, visiting at others, is over.
After months and months of shedding skins, venting spleens and voicing my opinion, I now feel like a tourist.
And maybe a tourist I shall remain. Visiting sporadically when the specials are good or the destination irrisistable.
So to all of you lovely people out there who have stopped by, helped me through some really hard times, watched me grow...
A deep, heartfelt thank you.
Adios Amigos
xx

2007-03-28T03:41:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago a guy heard about me
He rang me
I talked about strategy
About new technologies,
We had a few meetings
I talked about algorithms,
About databases, tracking
Yesterday we met with the ex CEO of Village Roadshow and Philips
Today they made me a H U G E offer to do some work for them
Like HUGE
Like the kind of money I have fantasised about winning
Or being bequeathed by some benevolent stranger
And I feel a calm inside of me like panic
Like those music videoclips where one person is standing totally still while the world rushes around them
Like it's so big I can't get my head around it
Can't quite believe it's real
And it's not yet..but maybe soon
Real soon
And these guys are really good guys
Guys that could really mentor me
Or highlight what I think I know.
At 34 this could be the golden opportunity of my career
And I think I'm ready.
Yeah, I'm ready.

2007-03-18T22:55:00.000-07:00

Driving like a maniac
rushing rushing
faster forgetting
walking aimlessly
wandering
wondering
why the black dog is back
when I have worked so hard
and achieved so much
so organised
new toys
new heights
love in my heart
car pristeen fixed
happy little girl
lungs clearing...
tears tears go away
come again another day.

2007-03-07T01:10:00.000-08:00

I used to sit in front of my computer and check out who was on line, catch up on everyone's news in the blogger world, read through my emails, write a few, muck around doing surveys, read the news headlines, follow links that inevitably lead to places I don't want to go...now I sit in front of my desk and research, and proof, and customise crms and try to remember who needs to be paid and download photos, information, specs....
I want my toy back!

2007-02-27T12:29:00.000-08:00

So tired, the world takes on dreamscape qualities
drifting, observing
So happy, it feels as though my whole being is smiling
radiating, full
My brain vibrating, buzzing
Using everything I know
and learning daily
a very steep, necessary, flying by the seat of my pants kind of learning
which is so motivating
I feel connected, organised
and close
in the rhythm
pulse
of all around me.
Everything is so calm
so easy
simple
or uncomplicated
Like poetry.
Peace.

2007-02-22T17:32:00.000-08:00

So I've made the change, and I'm unsure of whether I'm going to need HRT to help me through it.
New blogger hey?
Well I'm a little sceptical. If it works, I'll be very happy to get my old friends back, the people that haven't been able to leave comments etc..but if I press publish and the whole thing disappears...well..unlikely I'll be particularly impressed and I will, no doubt vanish from this lovely ether land. Never to be seen or spoken of again.
That could happen.
Well....here goes.....

2007-02-16T04:26:00.000-08:00

My whole world is a different colour.
My heart beats to an unfamiliar tune.
My stomach isn't churning
and I am calm
and I am smiling
I feel beautiful
and as this seeps into my soul
it seems like this could never end.

And not even my cynical mind
and scarred heart
can talk me out of it.

2007-02-05T03:46:00.000-08:00

I"ve just realised something.

For the last few years, or maybe it"s been my whole life, I"ve been wanting a book, a manual, if you will on how to live my life. See, I"ve never really been taught anything by anyone and just sort of figured everything out.

But now I realise that I"ve always known.

The things that are important to me, and any questions I may have about them, are pretty much answered before I finish asking them.

And this is the ironic thing. The one thing...the only thing really, that I"ve been taught, is to ignore that. To overlay the truth, what I know to be true in my gut, ever since I was a tiny little thing, with layers of crap that sound feasible, or maybe appealing, but aren"t right.

All I have to do, is to "check in" with myself, "read" my body and what I"m feeling, and the answer is there.

So I don"t need a manual on how to live my life.

I need to throw away the one, that says don"t listen to that voice inside of me that already knows.

2007-02-02T00:06:00.000-08:00

It's a crazy, crazy world.

For the first time in my life, I am so happy to be single. Not thinking about men at all. And feeling really grounded.

Seriously.

Then yesterday, I ran into this lovely guy I have known for ten years. We've always been friends and our worlds have often intersected. I used to hang out a bit with his gorgeous french girlfriend. And a couple of years ago, when I ran into his Dad, who always keeps me up to date on what he's up to, I flippantly told him I would marry him, when he said he had split up with the gorgeous french girl and was now living over 1000kms away.

So we saw each other at a cafe I hardly ever go to, after a very strange set of events that got me there in the first place, and we gave each other a huge hug and a kiss and he promptly got rid of his friend on the phone. It was so warm, our eyes were sparklng. He was on his way out west, but said that he would be heading back to Sydney later on, if I wanted to have a drink or something.

So we met up, had a couple of drinks, went to a beautiful indian restaurant for dinner and it was awesome. Before I left, I was worried that maybe we wouldn't have much to think about. I've always known of him as a labourer and a bar worker. But we just talked and talked and laughed. And I felt so relaxed. There was this moment during dinner, when I could see myself from the outside at my most charming, relaxed and witty. Hee hee.

It was like a first date with a really old friend, if you can imagine such a thing. And I am normally so neurotic, nervous and fidgety, that I wonder why I ever get second dates. But this was just so relaxed and comfortable, but still a little buzzy.

And he is such a surprise. The way he thinks, how well read he is, what he wants. It was just such a shock. Because although we've always gotten on really well, we've never really had much of a conversation as we often saw each other when we were working or out with other people. And even though we kind of know each other, our circles of friends are completely different.

We totally hit it off. And this morning, after resisting the urge to text him all night, he emailed me to say what a great time he had had and that he would like to see me again.

And I haven't stopped smiling all day.

Then today, I'm having coffee with a girl I kind of know because there weren't any other tables free, and a friend of hers sits down and invites me around to his place for a drink.

This is so bizarre! I live in a town, with zero talent. Seriously. I never meet guys that I like.

So then I go to pay for my coffee, and I run into another guy, I assume barely knows who I am, despite having been in similar circles. So we chat for a while and I'm still thinking he's just being polite in lieu of any other 'real' friends around, and then he asks me if I would like to catch up with him some time?

What's going on??

Is the universe testing my will? Or have I just landed in a space and I am exuding the airs of that grace?

So I'm eating dinner, on my own, thinking about all of this, when I get a text from a french guy I met at a party last year who was really into me, and who emailed me a few times when he went back to France. He gave me his entire itinerary and said he hoped I would be able to find some time for him.

???

This really does feel very strange.

And also today, I get a call from a guy from one of the major electricity providers saying that I have been recommended to him, for a marketing campaign. So we talk business for a while, and then he says: I am sure I have met you before. Your name is really familiar to me, and your voice. And I have to say, after the last 24 hours I'm thinking anything is possible.

Get this: it turns out we met about 8 years ago. My ex-business partners, ex boyfriend's, ex wife is married to this guy. I have met him just one time and we managed to put that together.

I feel like I have been transported onto a movie set, except it's actually my life.

2007-01-31T03:31:00.000-08:00

I feel different.
Very calm.
Peaceful and wise.

The chaos around me
That would normally toss me
and throw me
sink me
and float me

Passes around me
and I feel anchored.

Like that solid knowing woman
Feet planted
Who I have been dreaming about
I have become.

2007-01-24T12:54:00.000-08:00

So I'm going back to my New Year's Resolution. Celibacy. I've just decided that this is not my year for relationships. I've had a couple of murky years in the love quagmire which have been at best, unfulfilling and at worst, devastating .

So this is my year for money and career, I've decided. I was kind of on track with all of that before my Mum died. I was talking to a friend of mine last night who was asking lots of questions about Mum, and I realised that last year was the end of the seven year cycle that started then. And it's been seven years of grief, and fear, and anger and not feeling supported.

And this year, for the first time in a really long time, feels full of promise. This is my year for finding my equilibrium again, my centre. Establishing my base.

This year is about establishing myself careerwise too. I have already picked up one new client, and through her diverse needs, she has helped me realise more about the direction I want to take. I am setting up a new shop for her. Doing all of her marketing and publicity, assisting with the interior design and layout of the shop, and then over the next twelve months, systematising her three businesses. I'll also be writing staff manuals and retraining, provide strategic analysis and plans. And this work is a culmination of a lot of the experience I already have, as well as learning and researching new things.

I'll also be working on my other business, writing a book, producing meditation CDs, which we just received the background music for. We found a brilliant musician in New York who is also a Yogi and owns a recording studio, or has access to it. I strongly recommend elance for any internet based work anyone requires.

I've also applied for a couple of part-time jobs, that are just 10-15 hours per week, sales merchandising. I haven't heard anything yet, but it's another way of focusing my attention and getting a little bit of work each week.

And all of this just feels right. I think I will be moving more in the direction of small business advisor, mainly because I love the diversity.

This is also the last year before my little girl starts school, so I'll have the flexibility to be able to hang out with her. I'm going to pull her out for a couple of weeks in May and go to Fiji with some other friends and their kids. May will be a perfect time for a holiday.

I'm hoping the the subdivision I've been working on will be completed by then, and I'll have a couple of blocks of land to put on the market.

So no more boys, unless they just happen to effortlessly and magically cross my path, and are so special that I can't ignore them. Ergo, no more boys!!!

Last year I tied up a lot of loose ends, and I'll continue doing so this year.

But I think it will be more a year of finally putting down some roots - irony intended ;-)

2007-01-22T04:28:00.000-08:00

This made me smirk, if not giggle just a little.

I clicked on the link on my blog for Christmas Cats, just to see if he had come back, and it took me to a site that sells online medication for depression like Soma etc...

And the irony is just so perfect I can't help wondering if Mr Cats himself has set it up.

Here Kitty Kitty...

2007-01-17T15:27:00.000-08:00

So we tried. We really did. We had a fun time.

And now it's over, again. And I'm wondering what is going on? I mean I know what it is, but it's still kind of confounding.

Feels like I'm treading water.

Treading water in this beautiful sea of love, with a boy who doesn't realise he can swim.

And no amount of reassurance and holding of hands, gently guiding him, telling him how to do it, and that he can, is going to change that.

And I can swim. I can do lap after lap of butterfly for God's sake, with tumble turns.

And that's the story of me and him.

2007-01-15T03:51:00.000-08:00

Today I wrote my CV for the very first time in my entire life, and applied for a job.

I feel really proud.

Why do I always do things backwards? It means I'm either way ahead of the pack or way behind. Lately it's been the latter.

Time for me to grow up and get ahead.

You've been tagged!

2007-01-04T22:30:00.000-08:00

That's right! You've been tagged.
If you are reading this, or if you are on my links, or if you are on the links of some-one who is on my links then write down 5 things that you love about you. Or love about what you've done. I know I should go first, but it's gonna take a while to come up with five....Ok OK OK!

1) I love my thoughtfulness. I love that I see the world in that light. I can see what people need, or what would help them through the day. I love my compassion towards the world. There is a great scene in the film 'adaptation' and the dorky brother says to the other one, that he judges his success not by the people who have said yes to him, but by the quality of people he has loved. And similarly, my compassion towards others is not about being recognised, or acknowledged, but simply feeling and doing.

2) I love my eyes. I have big brown eyes, with long lashes and the left one is half green. My Mum used to call it a sparkle. Some people have called it the evil eye. Hee hee.

3) I love my hands. My hands are tiny and thin and look really old but they are so capable. They have built a house, and thrown endless pots on the wheel, they have climbed up rockfaces, and changed many a nappy, they have held and loved and clapped, and typed so many letters and ideas, designed logos, played music on many instruments, handcrafted creams, made cakes and moulded mud cakes. They are good hands.

4) Wow number four already. This isn't as hard as I thought.
I love the way I respect children. I love the way I bring up my daughter. I mean I'm sure I screw it up daily, but I also know that the way I love her, and the kids around me will change their lives and that I am contributing to a new consciousness on the planet. Good kids these ones.

5) I love my heart. I love that I am listening to my heart, finally. Getting out of my head space, that was always so goddamned rational and appropriate, and doing what feels right. Even if it goes against what my head 'thinks' is the right things to do. And my life is changing and I am doing things that have never even occurred to me before. And it feels so good.

So come on guys, let's start the new year with being aware of all the things that make us unique and great. And love to you all.

2007-01-02T21:10:00.000-08:00

he just breathes,
I love you Suze,
into my ear,
holding me so tight,
and I feel it resonate through my body,
like he's breathing life into me
and I never want him to go

2006-12-28T04:18:00.000-08:00

I just found my three and half year old wandering the hallway at 11.30pm and she looked up at me, still pretty much asleep and on her way to my bed, and said: I slepted in my bed ALL night! Well, close enough sweet pea...

so I showed her the fairy lights on outside in the garden, and the stars so bright tonight, and then tucked her and her crazy fluffy hair into my bed.

I thought it was only fair given she helped me make the bed this morning, with my new Egyptian cotton 320 threads per sq inch king size sheets...my Christmas present to myself.

Tragic but true, I know.

2006-12-26T22:48:00.000-08:00

Under the apple tree
the plum tree
shelter from the sun piercing down
eating like Italians
or maybe French
we laugh
we drink
we celebrate our embryonic friendships
as children flutter about
...a perfect Christmas.

TAGGED!!

2006-12-18T16:32:00.000-08:00

Yikes!!!
Ok, here goes, five things you may not know about me:

1) When I was 8, I was put into the Brisbane Children's Hospital, but I wasn't sick. I was tested for all kinds of things - IQ, psychology tests, etc etc but I have never known what I was doing there. All I know is that I wasn't sick, but to try to fit in I used to hold all of my dinner in my mouth, chewed up and then dramatically spit it out on the table. I was with cancer kids, and accident kids and I was just so healthy and normal. I think my crossword fetish began at this time too, cos I was so bored.

2) I don't think anybody knows this one...my IQ is 140. And I have to say for a smart girl I do some really stupid things. And it's kind of a strange thing too, to have a high IQ and such cripplingly low self-esteem at times. I've only just started to realise that I process information differently to a lot of other people, or I just seem to be able to intuit a lot of information quickly. Not great at numbers though, I have to say. One thing I do know though, is that this figure has nothing to do with how well I live my life or the people I love.

3) I hate the way I look. Every day I find it hard to look in the mirror. I don't, I can't really see myself. I've only had a full length mirror for about three years and I really struggle to examine my reflection. Yesterday my friend said that I was a stunning woman. It doesn't make sense to me. At all. I don't identify with stunning, beautiful, pretty etc...at all. Feels very alien.

4) I wish I had a million dollars in the bank. I really do, nearly every day, just wish I had so much money I didn't have to think, worry about it all the time. The worry I feel around money is this undercurrent lying just below the surface of everything I do. I think about all the good things I could do if I had a lot of money. How much more money I could give away to the people that really need it, the things I could organise...Intellectually I know that I'll never be hungry again, but I still don't really get it.

5) I want to be married. I want to commit to somebody for the rest of my life, and do everything I possibly can to ensure that it works, with that underlying feeling of shared commitment and purpose.

*Big sigh*, so now you all know, if you didn't before, what a nutcase I am. And you know, I feel so normal and mostly pretty good about myself. But in doing this I didn't want to think about it too much, plan it, be clever or witty, I just wanted to write down what came. And now when I read it, it kind of feels foreign to me, but it's so me. It's certainly a part of the essence of me..things I think about, worry about nearly every day. Makes me feel a bit sad really.

Merry Christmas everyone xx

2006-12-10T17:45:00.000-08:00

The sun shines brilliant green
through holly leaves, edged lime
Entwined, supine on the soft blanket-
Bellies full.

Blurry eyed
Blurry bodied
the space between us disappears
and we merge, stifling yawns.

Filling out before me
I feel your worry
and you let me see you.
Honoured.

Closer
closer...
thinking about death.
I'm so happy.

2006-12-06T16:48:00.000-08:00

One way or another
morning finds flowers
or the confettied petals of flowers
adorning the sheets and your
honeyskin waking self.

Or jewellery of rainbow light
painting the simple walls
with prisms of intensity
as we body paint each other
with wild pallettes
of skin on skin
blushing.

2006-12-02T22:30:00.000-08:00

And then, a moment, bolting through the rain and hail, soaked, stripped, plummet into warm inviting bath...and I look at him and feel more connected than I've felt for a very long time.

Has it been so long, is my faith so weak that I didn't recognise it?

And it didn't stop.

All weekend, very little sleep, both banal and riveting conversations, lots of giggling and tender staring moments and I was totally there. My heart felt so full, so accessible to him, and he saw it and took it all and honoured it with his embrace. Arms wide open.

Such easy, seamless intertwining of bodies and ideas like a rare exotic dance brought out for a visiting dignitary.

And now he's gone and I'm floating like the mist outside swirling around the trees.

2006-11-28T21:16:00.000-08:00

Hot days, hot breeze...love it!! I've been swimming every day for the last week and up until today it's felt like a bit of a chore, but today....today I glided through the water like a little plastic windup scuba diver from an Almodovar film. It felt like I wasn't even moving..effortless.

Maybe it's because I'm drinking like a fish...water that is and eating more protein.

Three quarters of the way down the pool, on my first lap, a pair of sunglasses floated before me, and without breaking my stride, I swam deeper, picked them up on a stroke and put them on the side of the pool.

Was very smooth.

A nice change from this morning which was fraught with phone company bureaucracy and internet banking. Looks like I am getting closer to getting the blackberry that I won connected though, so at least there was some joy.

And the boy? You are no doubt wondering...well quite lovely thank you ;-) He is coming up the mountain to visit my world this weekend and meet a whole of host of old friends whom I don't see very often.

Although last night I dreamt that as I was driving to this party, I could see a huge fire like a twister. I thought that it would be OK cos one of the people at the party is fairly senior in National Parks, and he would have it under control. It was amazing and very scary.

Some days it feels like a bit of a war zone. Helicopters overhead, sirens in the distance, smoky air...really quite disorientating.

2006-11-21T00:33:00.000-08:00

I just dropped Luka off at Pete's because I've got an early start tomorrow. 8am - 9pm in Sydney and I'm home and should be getting ready and sorting out some stuff from today, networking computers etc..but i don't wanna!!

So I am eating lime and pepper chips and drinking really nice champagne, and feel like getting trashed. I feel like taking multiple substances and dancing. Dancing to the rain Gods to extinguish the fires and bring relief to the dryness permeating my skin. And if it rained I would dance naked under the wet moon and howl! and roll around on the grass until I was covered in mud.

And I would, finally after many hours sleep not get up early, and not drive, and not sort out breakfast, and not pay bills, and work out why my blackberry isn't working, and not....just not.

I would eat things out of packets and dance around the house naked...

Damn this champagne is yummy!

2006-11-19T17:08:00.000-08:00

Why do I feel like this?

I have started dating this lovely guy in Sydney who I met online and last weekend we slept together for the first time. It was our fourth or fifth date and it felt strange cos it was like the only thing that didn't match where we were at. We msn and talk and email and sms a lot, so feel like we know each other quite well, but had only kissed once before. Strange to be so intimate conversationally, but not physically. He's a nice man, and I feel like we are quite well matched. And when we started making out on Saturday night, it felt totally right. I told him, and it was the most eloquent I have ever felt.

It was nice to wait. For both of us, as it seems we both have a predeliction for jumping right in there with someone new without actually thinking about whether it's the right thing to do. And sure, some really fun times have come out of that, but ultimately either dissatisfaction or heartache.

With this one, it could really work I feel. But I feel a bit strange about it. Out of my comfort zone maybe. Or maybe it's just been a really wearying 12 months. I'm scared too. And really tired. And worried about the whole long distance thing. Sure it's only a couple of hours away, but far enough for it to be a weekend affair, rather than lunch and dinner catch ups, and two little kids involved.

I think I need a book. I wish I had a manual sometimes for how to 'do' my life. I wish I knew more. I do like this boy and I know he likes me. That's nice. Maybe that's all I need to know for now.

2006-11-09T13:49:00.000-08:00

Is it possible that we are now post-geek in a post-modernist deconstructive kind of way? Is Geek passe? Is that like, so early 90's? Can I start organising a 'reclaim the Geek' march?

ATTENTION ALL GEEK KIDS!!

2006-11-05T04:19:00.000-08:00

I need some help. I am writing a series of guided meditation CDs and need background music. The CDs are 30 mins long each and I need relaxing, easily accesible music that includes stuff like Tibetan singing bowls, crystal bells, water, etc.. This would be a 'signature' piece that runs through all the CDs. Any ideas on ways of sourcing such music? Ideally I would like to set up a barter type situation involving internet marketing knowledge. In fact any marketing knowledge that is required. Basically, the CDs will be available online and I could include a link to your site, on mine, and promote your music on my site. This site will have an enormous amount of traffic to it once it is set up (within the next month) Or otherwise free sources. Any ideas anyone?

Please forward to anyone who might be interested.
Thanks.

2006-11-03T02:46:00.000-08:00

It's amazing what happens when you least expect it.

I have been working 12-14 hour days and loving it. Working with Lou is sheer joy and the way we think along the same lines is sometimes freaky. Yet in so many ways we are complete opposites. But our ideas are similar and the generosity of our spirits. Most importantly. Heading in the same direction.

And I met a man..kind of out of the blue. Jade chaperoned me on our first date for the first 5 minutes. Made sure he wasn't a serial killer. And that wasn't even a week ago and the verbal and written exchanges we have had have been nothing short of amazing. I am totally spun out. This morning he texted me a sonnet and it made me feel cherished. Appreciated. And we haven't even kissed. It's so sweet.

I think I am being courted, in that lovely old fashioned way. He is out of the state until the end of next week, so it will be a long week.

And this week, as most of you know, I took Jade to her first live concert. Hard to believe hey? And we had so much fun. We had the whole day in the big smoke, and hung out on the beach, ate good food, did a little bit of shopping and got lost. Did a lot of u-turns!!

But it was awesome. The people at the concert were great too. We had a little entourage by the end. Very funny. The funniest thing was when Jade let in all the short people in front of her. After a while, well for the headline act, we managed a little hip and shoulder jostle that got us closer to the front. Tough crowd though. Not enough love amongst these youngens today.

In my day, if you wanted to go to the front, you just did. Although, come to think of it, in those days I was probably one of the short people..

I'm not working tomorrow. Instead I am taking my girl to the local fair, where she is walking in the parade with her pre-school. I must sort out my camera.

Hope everyone is well.

2006-10-20T16:41:00.000-07:00

Last night was really special.

I got home after a full, fulfilling day will Lou, collaborating on our book plus project, thought I was really late, but realised I had time for a bath before dinner.

So I worked out what I was going to wear. Gorgeous black dress with a vintage feel, patterned black stockings, 40s high heel shoes, and pink crystal necklace, while the bath was running, threw everything on the bed to distinguish from the wardrobe contents placed strategically on the floor, all the while chatting seamlessly with my beautiful friend Jade.

We then took the conversation to the bathroom, me slipping into the welcoming, embracing water of the bath, Jade plonking on the toilet seat, Max giving me 'come hither' looks like he's a frat boy in the body of a two and a half year old and my dog Indi, trying to hump Max. And I just love the ease that we all have around each other, chatting away, laughing, with the knowing of years passed...

Suddenly it was ten past six so I leapt out of the bath, slopped on some moisturiser, got dressed, and then Jade and I did our makeup, sharing the mirror and compliments like teenagers, and raced out the door.

We drove to Lou's house, after stopping by the bottle shop (wine shop, off license..) for strawberry champagne, roses for Lou, and funny comments by the guy behind the counter. This little stop unwittingly set the tone for the evening and when we arrived the house was beautiful.

Lou gave me, for my birthday present, a dinner party, that she organised, cooked, and did the most beautiful table setting for. She was running late, still in casual clothes from a day in the study, and looking dishevelled and lovely. And she was as calm as her manic self would allow. It all worked with a magic ease as Liz and Deb were late too, arriving in perfect time.

We milled around the lounge room and kitchen, helping cook, cut, and eat, Lou got dressed, and Liz and Deb arrived. We sat down, drank, ate, laughed, shared and I felt so priveleged to partake in a beautiful home cooked meal with my closest friends.

It was also a recognition, and appreciation of how much I've grown in the last ten years. And the friends that have seen me through that. And also the grattitude for these friends that have stood by me, listened to me, stuck up for me and laughed with me for all the years I've been up here. It was nice to acknowledge them all for that.

Especially the roles that they have played in the last couple of weeks. I really don't know how I would've gotten by without them. Their kind console, their wisdom, their gentle pushes.

It gave this mountains village a feeling of, a knowing of, 'home', that I have rarely felt in my life.

We ate baked salmon, warm vegetable salad, apple and rhubarb crumble for desert. I don't know how Lou, who has only known me for a few months knew that these were my favourite foods. And also a cake. A birthday just isn't a birthday unless there is a cake. After a full, minute packed day, it was all just perfect.

And we all drank to a gentler, slower, steadier year, and then laughed that anything of the sort is unlikely for the likes of me!!

I have always found it scary to have people around me that know me so well, but now I realise that that's the meaning of friendship. And it is an honour, one that I hold so close to my heart, to call these spectacular women my friends.

2006-10-17T06:08:00.000-07:00

I have got the mother of all headaches.

I hardly ever get headaches, so it takes me ages to take something for them. What's with that? This generation will quite happily take a wide range of substances, without thinking twice, in the hope of mood alteration, but won't drink cuppa soup if it's got MSG in it.

Or take a headache tablet when required.

So now, eight hours later, I've just taken a tablet but feel so sick I need to go to sleep.

I've been researching on a friend's computer all day, so I think that's what's done it. It's amazing what studying does to me. Makes me crave unusual foods and gets me totally out of my rhythm.

My diet today has consisted almost exclusively of corn thins. Firstly with tuna and fetta. Then with avocado and crazy mixed up salt. Then organic butter and honey. And finally, organic butter and vegemite, to try to put an end to the honey cravings. Such a versatile cracker.

A friend has asked me to collaborate on a project that basically involves me writing a book and a series of articles for publication. And boy, do I have a lot of swatting to do!!! My head literally aches. Ha ha.

But I am so excited. Finally, a project that pretty much puts all of my skills to use. I am hoping to have one article written by the end of the week. Yikes. I'd better buy some more headache tablets!!

INTEGRITY

2006-10-14T21:43:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about integrity and how it is defined. I think most people would agree that to live your life with integrity is to do what you think is right. Especially when that's the harder road to take.

But what does this mean exactly and where does maturity and commitment come into play, as surely these are factors? And how does individuals' commitment to integrity influence the society that we live in?

I believe, for myself, that when my mind, body and soul, or head and heart consciousness are aligned, I can't help but have integrity. And in some ways, that defines intuition for me as well. If I'm not aligned, then something is wrong, and I can 'feel' it. Because I also believe that your heart and mind want to be in alignment. Just like babies have perfect posture, unless they have experienced some kind of trauma.

This is also influence by the physical and external realms. If I'm not eating the right foods, exercising regularly, drinking enough water, or living in a space conducive to heart/mind alignment, then my mind, body and spirit suffer. The effects are obvious to me on a micro scale- I feel stressed, I don't sleep well, I don't feel right in my body, I might get headaches, or get sick etc...So then, how does this inform my experience on a macro level?

I will probably be snappy at members of my family, my employees will see me as moody and temperamental, I get frustrated in traffic, or in a queue at the supermarket. As these behaviours are generally not what I identify with being, and I see the negative effect it has on people around me, I don't feel as though I am acting with integrity.

This affects the macro integrity of the society that I live in, as we all participate in this sphere. Does that mean that wellbeing and integrity are intertwined. One influencing the other?

2006-10-14T07:33:00.000-07:00

In a weird turn of events, this man on know in Melbourne, is trying to court me. Nothing could be further from my mind, than engaging in this. He is an old business associate who I spoke to, maybe a week ago for the first time in months, and yesterday he rang to invite me to Tasmania for a week-end. Now, the reason he rang me a week ago was to apologise for his behaviour months ago, because basically he shafted me and wanted to make ammends, and then all of a sudden he's asking me away for a week-end. Oh, and did I mention that he has just left his wife because he found out she's been cheating on him for the last six months? When I spoke to him tonight to politely decline his invitation of whisking me away to another state for the week-end, he made it very clear to me what his intentions were. And when I tried to tell him that I was still in love with another man, and dealing with a very sudden, and still very raw break up, he told me that he would wait. And how about dinner next week in Sydney for my birthday? I find this totally bizarre. I told him not to wait for me. I have made it clear that I am not interested and am still trying to find a way to trust him again after his abhorrent treatment of a situation, and he is flirting with me? Is this similar to me trying to bargain with Sam's rationale for breaking up with me? And I can't help wondering if I found this man devastatingly handsome and he lived closer than 1000kms away, would my reaction would be any different?

2006-10-13T05:39:00.000-07:00

Hrm...maybe tomorrow. Yep, tomorrow will be my first day without tears. Or rather, today is my last day of a fabulous existence tainted by tears. Enough!
Huh, Friday the 13th and I didn't even realise...quite an auspicious day for me actually...the end of something old, and the birth of something exciting, shiny and new...

2006-10-12T17:26:00.000-07:00

Enough! It's time to let go. It's time to move away, move on. Today is enough.

2006-10-11T04:07:00.000-07:00

Thanks guys, and for those of you who unwittingly made me laugh or smile, well double thanks. I thought today was going to be my first day without tears, but it wasn't. Although, the volume etc has decreased. I'm getting bored with my misery and now just want it to go away. Even my dog doesn't bother trying to comfort me anymore, and that's saying something. He's a very neurotic, vocal, emotional dog and usually if I'm crying he will find me. Even kilometres away. Have been doing heaps of exercise which is really helping (hard to cry and swim at the same time)! And have also come to some great realisations about my Modus Operandi in relationships/friendships in general. My needs, my responsibilites etc...it has all been very enlightening, although pretty heart breaking at times too. So maybe tomorrow will be the day...

2006-10-08T01:14:00.000-07:00

I was walking in my little town and felt compelled to go into the bookshop. I had a book to pick up for Jade that she had ordered in, but I still had the feeling that I had to go in there. I had all day in fact. I had been thinking that I was ready for something challenging as I find that during such intense sadness it's also a great opportunity for growth. I got the book for Jade and then walked straight to the back of the bookshop and this book literally leapt out at me: 'Motherless Mothers' by Hope Edelman - definitely the book I needed to read. A few years after my Mum died I read her first book, 'Motherless Daughter' and it helped me a lot. I didn't even know that she had written other books as it hadn't occured to me to look. It's still so confronting for me, and there is still so much purposely unexplored grief, but I felt like I needed to read this book. Without even a glance at the back cover, or my usual flick through the pages, I found myself at the counter paying for both books. I have only read a couple of chapters but there are some key things in there that I really identify with, the biggest one being about the kind of relationship I need to be in. That Motherless Mothers/Daughters have a whole set of needs they need met to other women, and it's just made a whole lot of sense to me, and shed some light on my break up with Sam. For me, specifically I realise that I need someone who can understand where my accomplishments (as pitfinder so generously points out in my previous post) come from. That it's not out of a natural brilliance, or talent, but out of a deep seated feeling that I need to figure it all out, because no-one else is around to help me, or show me the way. That although 'on paper' it looks as though I've got it all sorted, I actually need a lot of reassurance and to know that the person I love thinks I'm worthy. That's a really big one for me. I've felt worthless for most of my life, and that's where the impetus to 'know' and 'succeed' etc.. comes from. Not out of an amazing space of self esteem, although I'm sure from the outside that's what it looks like. I think that because I haven't realised that, and I'm not altogether that comfortable with needing that, I have chosen men who need a lot of reassurance but then I feel sidelined in the relationship. But these men have also seemed very independent, because I need to feel that they will be OK without me, as like most women whose mothers have died young, I feel that I will too. It's all felt so complex, these emotions inside of me, like a tangled ball of string, but reading it, plain and simple in black and white, makes it all seem...well, plain and simple and black and white. It's almost a relief. I've felt so alone with my grief as my family won't ever acknowledge my Mum and the impact her death has had on me. Instead they openly criticise her in front of me, making me feel so confused about how I feel. Questioning my memories of her. Re-inforcing my sense of isolation. Consequently, my eyes are still stinging!!! I seem to fall asleep crying and wake up pretty much doing the same. But I can also feel it shifting. I also wanted to say a big thank you to Jade for being such a beautiful friend to me. Not judging me, not trying to fix me, hugging me in her strong reassuring arms, and allowing me to just be.

2006-10-06T20:46:00.000-07:00

I find this process quite fascinating. Sometimes it feels as though I am watching my self from the outside. Memoires of a break up. I still feel incredibly sad. The kind of sadness that permeates the taste of food, the flowers bursting forth with impossible colours, my dreams. A sadness that can seem to just come out of nowhere. That makes my heart ache and my eyes sting. But I can also see the funnyside of my tragicness. And am starting to feel hope again. The hope or belief that I will have what I thought I was going to have with him one day. And that I will feel grateful for the space that he left in my life that allowed for someone else to fill it. Baby steps. Thank God for Luka, to get me out of bed in the morning, albeit slowly. Otherwise I suspect there would have been a whole lot more wallowing. And as for family, well I've found one here, in this virtual space. I feel much more up front and honest than I do in my normal life and I really appreciate the support you have all given me. Thanks. I wish I had more time to visit you all more regularly and leave insightful comments. I suppose I will have more time to do that now.

2006-10-05T16:58:00.000-07:00

I just feel so so sad. I can't understand how two weeks ago we where in Canada, meeting the family and all that and just last week-end we were doing the couple thing with other couples. It just seems so abrubt. It makes the whole thing seem like a charade. Dishonest. That he never even really wanted to be there, with me. And I felt that this was the guy I could talk to about anything. That we would be able to get over anything. He says that loving me doesn't change the situation. But I don't believe that's what love is. Surely, if you love someone, you can get through anything. Or at least want to try. I feel so unsure of myself. How could I have believed that this meant anything? I just want a family. People around me who I love, who love me, to laugh with, play with, grow with. It feels like I'll never find that.

2006-10-04T03:12:00.000-07:00

...and then there were two...and a dog....my lovely little family :-)

2006-10-02T04:50:00.000-07:00

So we had a beautiful weekend with two other couples and my girl in one of the most spectacular houses in one of the most geographically dazzling locations in the world. We all cooked, ate, drank, walked, watched movies, went on the boat down the mouth of the river, slept and did it all over again for three days. Just awesome. In the car on the way home we were musing about how strange it is to be in such close proximity with two other couples, especially one of the couples, who are incredibly antagonistic towards each other. And they don't even realise, I think. We both think that he is absolutely gorgeous. Soft, handsome, funny, smart. And she is a total nightmare. Whingy, whiny, patronising, insecure. Strangely, I really want to like this woman, but at the same time, can't stand being around her most of the time. As they inadvertantly provided entertaining fodder for our drive home, I told him a few times, in different ways, that the contrast between them and us was so great, it seems obvious that we are doing OK. As usual, I didn't get any such reassurance from him in return. As we got closer to home I asked him if he wanted to keep this long week-end going by staying at my house and chilling out with me, since neither of us have much work on at the moment. And he seemed to agree that it would be nice to spend the night together. But as we got to just five minutes away, he stated that he would just go home and sleep in his own bed. I was so disappointed. Especially as he had seemed to have just changed his mind and I didn't say much for the short remainder of the trip. When we stopped at his place I jumped out and helped unload the car and he asked me if anything was wrong. So I explained that I was disappointed and he told me that he had had a rough week end with my girl. That she had been mean to him, when she had been warm with all the other people there. And now I don't know what to do, if anything. I just kind of left, unsure of how to express how I was feeling. Firstly, and most importantly, I think, is that I really feel I am doing the best I know how in this situation. It seemed like an unfair bombshell to drop on me just as I was leaving. But I don't know how to handle this situation. I totally understand that he was feeling hurt by her and he probably felt rejected by me walking away. But I also feel rejected. That this situation is just too hard. When I don't actually believe that it is particularly complex. I really don't. I know the temptation is to dismiss any issues that arise as being endemic with the 'problem' of dating a single parent, but aren't both of us caring, thoughtful individuals? I don't understand why he finds it so hard to talk to me about where he is at, and what's going on for him. And I wish I didn't feel so rejected, or that it's all just 'too hard'. I can't imagine it's always easy being with a single parent, or their child, but is it really that hard? Right now I feel like just walking away, mother and daughter into the sunset.

2006-09-28T21:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was so tired. I woke up at 6.30 but didn't really feel like getting out of bed..so I picked up a weighty tome, 'The Eight' and I couldn't put it down. Also, I kept falling asleep and having such vivid dreams that I just woke up even more bleary eyed sleepy. I hauled my sorry arse out of bed to have lunch with a friend, and then came home and read and slept some more. I just feel so tired sometimes. Tired of doing everything on my own. Tired of being a single mum, of not having family support, tired of dealing with all business comings and goings on my own. Sometimes my shoulders aren't broad enough to cope with it all and I feel weary to my bones. And sad. Sad that I didn't make different choices in my life when I was younger. Sad that I didn't grow up feeling loved and confident. Then I slowly got out of bed, threw some clothes on and walked for hours with my dog. Ended up at a friend's house and played chess. Sigh. I also just finished a brilliant book, called the 'Kite Runner'. One of the saddest books I have ever read, but also so compelling in the way it was written. What a sorry race we are. It made me feel really sad about the way we universally communicate. Lies, deception, power, war. Show me a relationship, any relationship, where there isn't even the slightest element of these things.

2006-09-27T05:40:00.000-07:00

How does memory work? I'm interested by the things I remember and under what circumstances. To give you an example: when I'm in front of my laptop I can remember every password, remember lists of things to do, calendar events coming up etc..yet when I was in Calgary, or in fact, on anyone else's computer I have huge mental blanks and it can take ages to remember even really simple things. This is especially perplexing given that most of the applications I use are on-demand, or web based, so the look, feel and content don't change regardless of which computer I'm on. Same with faces. If someone I recognise fairly easily is out of context, then I really struggle with working out who they are, what their name is and how I feel about them. I find that strange. Is memory contextual? I guess it is, well certainly in my case.

2006-09-23T03:38:00.000-07:00

Well I am back. Sort of. In a jet lagged kind of way. Sort of fuzzy around the edges as if I wasn't quite all beamed up. Jadey picked us up and after an initial frenzied catch up, the three of us drove back as if we'd just had a really big night and were coming down. All of us so tired, the day so bright. I'm still feeling the same way, dispite really good sleeps, both on the plane and in my lovely, big, comfy bed. Canada was a blast but I'm too tired really to go into much detail right now. We had such a great time though. Great being together for two weeks - unprecedented for us; good mix of family time and other time; being outdoors in spectacular scenaries; and shopping, sleeping, eating, relaxing inside; saw some great sporting events and experienced 27C and snow!! Will go into more detail when my fingers correspond with my thoughts a bit better. Actually, it's not even as complicated as that-when I have coherent thoughts, is really the issue. Thanks for all your lovely wishes while I was away, and Bec, I need your address for copious amounts of cinnamon stuff to come your way. I stopped short of cinnamon flavoured dental floss though!! Really!! Good night!

2006-09-07T02:37:00.000-07:00

SELAMAT TINGGAL!!
Bye everyone! Tomorrow night I will be in San Francisco, sitting on Pier 39 eating clam chowder checking out the seals and looking at the Golden Gate Bridge. Next post will probably be from one very spun out Suze in Calgary. Running to the computer, under the guise of work, to chill out a bit. No doubt trying to make sense of the new world I will be thrust into. And hopefully, loving it!!!
Stay tuned...

2006-09-03T23:10:00.000-07:00

Today the tickets arrived by courier!! I am so excited. I can't believe how excited I am!! Going to Canada with my boy to meet his family. It feels like a big step, and a really lovely one. I am also thrilled to be going to San Francisco for a day and a night. Can anyone recommend stuff to do/stay in San Fran? So far all I've got is a place to have clam chowder!! Sounds so American to me. So anyway, got the tickets and then I read through some of the additional paraphernalia and one of the papers was about needing an electronic passport to go into the States without a visa. Had a minor heart attack and then rang a few places to try to find out whether I did or not. The American Embassy was closed due to a holiday, labour day week-end I think. They gave me an alternative number to call if it was an emergency and I was an American citizen. Now, in my mind it was an emergency, and I can do a pretty convincing American accent, well, at least I think so, but these American agencies take themselves so seriously, I thought it was best not to call. Anyway, someone at the travel agency was able to tell me that I did indeed posess an electronic passport. Now I'm just trying to get info on hand luggage. The news from one source is that absolutely no hand luggage is allowed, except passports and travel documents. I wonder if there has been a rise in the number of people caught attempting to join the 'mile high' club, out of sheer boredom. And more importantly, will I be one of those people!!! Anyway, America/Canada, here I come!!

2006-08-31T00:58:00.000-07:00

We got back to his house last night and there was a message on his phone to remember his Dad's 60th birthday. And he said that he wished he would be there, but Calgary, Alberta, is a long way from the Blue Mountains, not to mention expensive..we talked a little more about inconsequential things and then he just said to me: let's go. I said OK. So next week we are flying to Calgary for his Dad's 60th birthday. It must be hard being stuck between two cultures. Being so far away from your family. I mean, a lot of the time I wish I was farther away from mine, but it's still nice to know that if I need them, they're there. And it sounds like a nice family. So next week we are flying to San Francisco, spending a day there, which will be fun, and then flying straight to his Dad's surprise party. So is anyone going to be in San Fran, Sept 8? and want to catch up? or Calgary until the 15th? I guess this is what is meant by a flying visit!!!

2006-08-27T04:54:00.000-07:00

I feel like there is an underlying sadness in me at the moment and I don't really know what it's about. Well, specifically. It could be a few things. I'm worried about how I'm connecting with my girl. She's a real Daddy's girl and sometimes it's hard not to take it personally. Feels like rejection sometimes and then I feel that no matter how good a parent I want to be-I suck. It could be this guy I've been seeing. I mean it's really good. We have a fun time, communicate well, talk and laugh a lot, but something 's missing. I don't think he wants to commit to me. Fair enough really. Work, when it's happening is fantastic, but the client I am waiting on is waiting on the tax department for approval and in the meantime, I feel like I'm letting down a lot of people who are waiting for me. But mostly I think, I just feel so god damned boring. I need an adventure. I need to assume another's identity for a while and be someone else who thinks differently and does differently to me. Has different patterns and old belief systems. Preferably someone who is all sorted out professionally, has a boy that loves her, and a daughter that can't think of anything better than to be with her Mummy. Oh, and a dog that doesn't bark!!

Is that too much to ask? Really?

2006-08-23T02:15:00.000-07:00

I love it when my belly is full of good fresh food. I just ate an enormous bowl of choy sum, or maybe it was kar gai, with kecap manis and oyster sauce, and a stir-fry of marinated tofu, corn off the cob, bean shoots, carrot and mushroom. And it was so delicious I had a second enormous bowl. Yummeeeeeeee! Trying to feel a bit healthier. My normally flawless skin has been spotty and I also had a rash from my washing powder, and I've been worried that I might be getting really sick again. The kind of sick that has landed me in hospital before-last year, in and out for three months. So I'm eating well, sleeping well (which isn't normally much of an effort for me anyway), and exercising, which is something I engage in sporadically, even though it makes me feel so good when I'm in a routine. Tomorrow after some big meetings in the big smoke, my boy and I are heading to a friend's house overlooking the Hawkesbury River to relax and unwind before the next busy stint of work starts. Only one more sleep to go!!

2006-08-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

Do ever notice when sometimes you get spammed that there is some weird little except included? I'm tempted to create an entire blog from them. Here's a taste:

chalk quarry bristle-thighed
camel-shaped lath nailer
precision punch sharp-snouted
ill-favoredness ox-eyed
amrad gum clean-shaped
sunset brown life-serving

Sometimes the sentence isn't finished and I want to use it as a creative writing tool. You know where you use the first bit for inspiration/tone etc..and then finish it off.

The trial . . . I said feebly, visions of lawyers, appeals, torts
and documents dancing in my head.
There was no mercy in his voice now, no touch of the tiniest of

Floyd was my guide. Stamping in step with me along the corridors and
into the conference room.
Hi, guys! I said in cheery greeting to the far-from-friendly faces.

2006-08-06T16:20:00.000-07:00

After a meeting with one of my clients on Friday, my world has changed somewhat, and this juggernaut has been downscaled. I am so ready to take this on in a big way that I can't help but be disappointed. And I feel the weight of that which constricts my breathing. In a different way to the lack of breath I feel when I'm overwhelmed. Big sighs. I'm finding it hard to get my optimism back, my cheeriness, so easy to slip right back into old patterns of worthlessness. My vision was so clear, and everything was falling into place so well, with an ease and grace that made it feel right but now I'm floundering, not sure of my name, what my world looks like. And I know that actually this is a much better way to start and grow a business, a bit slower, gradual, makes more sense, actually has more profit in it, in terms of percentage, but that's not the thing that drives me. I wanted to give lots of people jobs, set up a positive work culture, be professional, not amateur. Have a good local presence. Be successful. I'm finding it really hard to pick myself up from this and regroup, refocus, make it happen. Why did I attract this?? And what am I capable of attracting in my life? It all seemed so easy last week, and now I'm finding it really hard to imagine. And in terms of 'the boy', I'm feeling the same kind of thing. This man is so lovely, makes me feel so good, is supportive etc but I still feel like he's not really committed to me, and isn't sure if he wants to. I try to tell him how I need to be loved, because I think sometimes that's what it's all about, sorting out expectations. And I think he tries, but it seems as though every week I need to discuss where we're at, becuase I need the reassurance, and I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to overanalyse the crap out of 'us', I just need a better idea of what 'us' is. It's especially disheartening when we talk about what we want in our lives, want we want to create, and he doesn't ever mention me. Or what he's grateful in his life. It makes me feel empty and like I'm not sure what I'm doing in this relationship. I think I also find it hard to join up sex and love. In my experience you either have one or the other, but not both. How do I change my beliefs? How do I discuss this stuff with him, again, without seeming demanding and pathetic? How do I create abundance and security in my life? How do I create a clear vision of my life, and achieve it?

2006-07-26T06:58:00.000-07:00

I went to see my friend (who stood me up for a long awaited dinner tonight) after spending another hour at the dentists. Last filling for a while I hope. The good thing is all the mercury is being replaced by white - much nicer. And there she was with her back turned to me, moving with the focus and unconscious expertise of a concert pianist. Making the perfect kebabs for some customer who couldn't possibly imagine the thought and skill that went into making their tasty snack. I moved over to the rotating meat thing, which smelled disgusting but was so warm, and as I chatted away I just watched her, amazed. I don't think I've ever seen her so centred, focused, dynamic. It was beautiful. She is so beautiful. I think they should put the wooden barrier that separates her magnificence from the public into the pizza oven so the punters can watch her. They could sell tickets. If only she could see herself. Her concentrated face, her surprised super quick smile, that warms my heart. Such a special girl this one!!! As you all already know. My beautiful friend Jade.

2006-07-24T05:59:00.000-07:00

I am bone weary. That old feeling I thought I had left behind of trying to do everything and not really knowing anything. Feels a bit different this time. Good people around me supporting me, helping me, people I respect. Nice. My company, yes officially a company today, limited liability and all that, is booming. Growing like an out of control weed, that I hope will one day have pretty flowers. Tendrils out everywhere reaching into new territory. Excited and terrified in equal parts. Holding my breath as my home becomes overrun by workers..still not sure how many I need. 8? 12? 15? Breathe..The beautiful thing is I feel so alive. So organised. Dare I say accomplished, proud. And downright lucky. Seemingly mismatched jigsaw pieces sliding into lock with each other. Click. Picture revealed.

2006-07-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back!! And what post would be complete without a bit of Suze Angst? Well, not to disappoint...I've been seeing this guy...yes always about a guy!! and there is a whole lot of history that will probably come out at some point, but it's not psychoboy, if that's what you're thinking, which let's face it would be fair enough...no, it's Sam, just regular Sam. Who makes me feel anything other than regular except when it comes to girly angst, of which I have more than my fair share, I'm sure. I've been seeing him for a while and we have so much fun together. We talk so easily and we play and have fun together. We just kind of match somehow and it feels really good. Feels so good, in fact, that I don't feel as though I need to know the outcome, like I normally do, and I can't predict it, which is really unusual. He talks to his Mum about me, who lives in Canada, and talks to her about Luka and how incredible she is, and amazing I am as a Mum. He talks really highly of me to his friends and wants me to meet them all. When he talks about the things he wants to do, it's always as 'we' and when I talk about things I want to do, he says, 'let's go'. The way he holds me...is nothing short of inspiring. I feel...so 'me' with him. Honoured and beautiful and not judged, but challenged. So why do I need him to tell me, really obviously, where he is at with me/us? Why can't I just appreciate the obviousness of it all? What don't I trust? And I guess, if I put it like that, it has to do with our history. How we began, and then began again. That must be it, because without those events, I probably wouldn't have these questions. The need to be so clear. Cool. Thanks Guys. You've been a great help, as always!
Alrighty, I know you'll want details. Well to fill you in: we met, we started going out, everything was peachy, but I felt that he was always holding back. So after a month I confronted him with it, or he did with me, I'm not sure. Either way, it came up, and he said that if it was just me, there wouldn't be any hesitation, but as he is so territorial, damned Taureans, he couldn't handle the idea of Luka's Dad always being in 'his' family, cos that's the reality, sort of. I will need to communicate with him for a while yet. So we broke up. I cried for a week, like I've never cried over a boy, and then over one drunken/drugged dinner - sort of, I stayed at his house and woke up at 4 in the morning with his hands down my pants?!! Even though we had discussed specifically not going there, because I was too in love with him to be bonk buddies..but we did, for a couple of weeks, and then I said I couldn't because I wanted more, and then he said he wanted more too, and there we are, now, together. So, all in all, it's been a couple of months and I feel more a 'couple' with him than I have with anyone for a really long time. Really long, like maybe over ten years. And it just feels so right to me. So why isn't that enough? Why do I need him to tell me how he feels, when he tells me everyday in so many ways? What's with that? Is it a girl thing, or is it just our dogged history?

Looking forward to hearing from you all, old friends and new. Nice to be back!!